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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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The chief constable of a small English town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night his telephone rang. "Is Mr. Smythe there?" said an agitated voice. Mrs. Smythe answered "yes" and inquired, "Do you want my husband in his capacity of veterinary surgeon or as chief constable?" "Both, lady," came the reply. "We can't get our new bulldog to open his mouth, and there's a burglar in it."
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As Barrett drove along a seldom-traveled backroad, a springer spaniel ran out into the path of the car and was killed instantly. Barrett went to a nearby house. A woman was hanging clothes on a line so he explained what happened. "It's my husband's dog," said the woman, "and he loved that dog a lot. Best hunting dog a man ever had, he always said." "Well," said Barrett, "where is your husband? I think I should be the one to tell him about it." "He's back of the house, chopping wood," she replied. "But I don't want you to shock him what with his bad heart and all. So don't tell him it was the dog right off. Tell him it was me."
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Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair!
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A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. "Whatya do that fer?" he asked." Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
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A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.
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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist
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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry hou
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What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.
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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?
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Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
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As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
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Q: Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats? A: So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head.
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