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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish. The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
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The number you have reached, 222-2222, has been changed. The new number is 222-2222. Please make a note of it.
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How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
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Q: Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships? A:Because sheep would be too obvious.
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Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex.
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Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
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A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."
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Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once!
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Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
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I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
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Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you."
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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."
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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
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