Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? reading'>Proofreading.

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Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't? A: Her navel.

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What do mice do when they're at home? Mousework!

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When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"

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How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much? Buy a twenty-pound cat!

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Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios'>Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.

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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!

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Connie stopped at a pet shop and soon fell in love with the puppy playing in the window. She entered the shop to inquire about the pup's pedigree. "The mother is a pure bred Scottie," said the proprietor. "As for the father... well, the father comes from a very good neighbourhood.

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There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at a dance together. When they went into the bathroom to check their makeup, they found an old hag. "I am a witch, and if you look in the mirror and say one rumor that you hear about you, and that rumor is true, then you will get one wish. If it is not true, then you will get sucked into Mirrorland for the rest of eternity. Do you understand?" They all did, and the brunette went first. "I think I am the prettiest girl at school." "That is true. Your wish is granted." And the brunette left the dance in a red Ferrari. Then came the redhead. "I think I am the richest girl at school." "That is true. Your wish is granted." And the redhead left the dance with a hot boyfriend. Then came the blonde. "I think..." Before she had a chance to finish, the witch said: "You lie!!" And she was sucked into the mirror.

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Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!

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Q: What has one horn and gives milk? A: A milk truck.

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an angel." Her friend replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

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Every dog has its day, only a dog with a broken tail has a weak-end.

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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.

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There was a guy who was in love with a beautiful woman, but he had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. He learned of a school that could help him, so he enrolled and was gone for about 3 months. When he came back, his buddy picked him up at the airport and asked, "How'd it go, are you cured?" He said, "Well - sort - of - but - I - must - talk - real - slow - now." His buddy says, "That's OK, she loves you, she'll marry you." So he drops him off at her house. About 2 hours later he's back at his buddy's house. His buddy say's, "Well, how'd it go, are you going to get married?" He said, "No, - I - don't - think - so." His buddy asked, "What happened?" He said, "Well, - we - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree - and - I - said, - " Look, - Honey, - after - we're - married , - you - can - do - that - to - me", - but, - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - ass!"

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What do you call a smarty pants? A jeanius

Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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Q: Why do divorced men get married again? A: Bad memory.

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What is the only kind of dog you can eat? A hot dog!

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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

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What makes a glow worm glow? A light meal!

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Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic? A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.

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Melburn was strolling along downtown Natchez with a framed picture under his arm. "Hey, what yew got there?" asked a neighbor. "I dunno much 'bout art," replied Melburn, "but Ah just bought me an original Michelangelo for two hundred dollars! It's one of the few he ever did in ballpoint!"

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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!

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Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.

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Why is everything in your home damaged? My dog is in the middle of being house-broken!

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