Maureen Perlmutter, the happy Hancock Park homemaker, tells about Darby, a dachshund who. loved country sausages. When he begged hard enough, his mistress wrote out an order for a few, and the dog grasped it between his jaws and trotted off to Barney's Butcher Shop with it. In time Barney took Darby's appearance as a matter of course and counted off a half dozen sausages without even consulting the order the dachshund dropped at his feet. One day the dog showed up at the store four times and Barney decided to check. The paper was absolutely blank. Whenever he wanted sausages, the wise old dog simply snatched up any piece of paper and trotted off to the butcher's with it.

How did the toad die? He simply croaked!

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I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

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Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?" Pupil: "You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!"

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Q: How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat? A: If you sit down before the other guy gets off.

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The number you have reached, 222-2222, has been changed. The new number is 222-2222. Please make a note of it.

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Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

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A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Yes,.. Anything!" She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

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Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

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What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow? Slush puppies!

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Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?

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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

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Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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Q: What do you call a Sleeping Bull? A: A Bull-Dozer!

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Why do dogs lie down? They can't lie up!

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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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Why did the blonde get on the roof? She heard that the drinks were on the house.

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Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? A: Mice cream

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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What planet smells the worst? Poopiter.

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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'". "You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

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Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows!"

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Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"

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How do bees go to school? They take the buzz

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What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

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A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"

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A client of a hospital where they made rain'>brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. rain'>brain costs $10,000. This rain'>brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's rain'>brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. "My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier. "I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other. "You could if you could lie as I do."

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