What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!

Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

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The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it."

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As Barrett drove along a seldom-traveled backroad, a springer spaniel ran out into the path of the car and was killed instantly. Barrett went to a nearby house. A woman was hanging clothes on a line so he explained what happened. "It's my husband's dog," said the woman, "and he loved that dog a lot. Best hunting dog a man ever had, he always said." "Well," said Barrett, "where is your husband? I think I should be the one to tell him about it." "He's back of the house, chopping wood," she replied. "But I don't want you to shock him what with his bad heart and all. So don't tell him it was the dog right off. Tell him it was me."

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Q: What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder.

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Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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Have you checked your German shepherd's eyes lately? Why? They've always been brown!

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I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

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A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I know......but this one's eating my Popcorn

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A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her. "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde. The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

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What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives? A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

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What did JFK say after banging Marilyn Monroe? Some men have greatness thrust upon them, some men thrust upon greatness."

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What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories? A shaggy dogs tale !

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I made a band called Erectile Dysfunction. We never made it big.

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Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation...

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Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

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Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

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Miss Stepinski and her friend, Gladys, two Seventh Avenue garment cutters, met at lunch. "I entered my dog in a contest," said Miss Stepinski, "and I won first prize." "That's nice," said Gladys. "Yeah," said the Polish girl, "I was very proud but I wanted my dog to win."

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Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress. They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over: "Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly", to which the waitress replied "Bur-ger Ki-ng"

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What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony? The Brit Awarts!

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He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

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What's the difference between life and wife's rant? Life eventually ends.

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A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."

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I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

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Q: What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? A: surname

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