O'Brien was seated in a train beside a pompous man who was accompanied by a dog. "This a fine dog you have," said the Irishman. "What kind is it?" "A cross between an Irishman and an ape," replied the man. "Sure, an' it's related to both of us," said the Irishman.

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals? A guard dog!

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender replies no, we only sell beer here, so the ducks walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender says, I told you yesterday, we only sell beer, so the ducks walks out. He walks back in the next day and says to the bartender, got any bread? the bartender says, if u come in here tomorrow asking for bread I'll nail your beak to the bar, so the duck walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, got any nails? No he answers. Got any bread?

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A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible. Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?" The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.

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Q: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? A: Damn

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C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

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I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday. Unfortunately they made me give it back today...

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Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? A: When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

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What happens if you eat a hot frog? You'll croak in no time!

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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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Why couldn't the Chihuahua play basketball? Because its basketball shoes were in the wash and a tennis player needed the ball!

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Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time. Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.

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The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

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What position makes the ugliest children? Ask your parents

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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

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Wojawicz walked into the department store with his mangy mutt. A floorwalker rushed over, pointed to the sign that read: 'No Dogs Allowed.' "Hey, Mister," he demanded of Wojawicz, "can't you read?" "So," said the Polack, "who's smoking?"

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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"

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Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

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Silsby opened the refrigerator and found his dog sitting inside. "What are you doing here?" he said. "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" asked the dog. "Yes." "Well, I'm westing."

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How many seasons are there in a dogs life? Just one, the moulting season!

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What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

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What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.

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A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!"

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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Q: How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stool? A: You turn it over!

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What's the difference between a worm and an apple? Have you ever tried worm pie?

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When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!

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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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Q: What do you call a Sleeping Bull? A: A Bull-Dozer!

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