What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.

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A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible. Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?" The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

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What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight!

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Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?

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Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

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What do pirates have with their fish? Tartarrrrrrrr sauce.

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What is the difference between a flea and a wolf? One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!

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Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...

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Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinasdf alsjdflk jalsie lakdsjfla ksldjf al

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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

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A busy signal.

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Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

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Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.

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Why did the pope have so many children? Because his condom was a little holy...

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Q: What has one horn and gives milk? A: A milk truck.

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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How do you say "Chihuahua" in Italy? Chihuahua!

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Why did the firefly keep stealing things? He was light fingered!

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Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

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Why do business'>businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk.

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Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap.

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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"What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"

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Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

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