I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

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We are borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

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What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!

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A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and the tuth fairy were walking down the street. There was a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Who picked it up? The dumb blonde, the other two dont exist.

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What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

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What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? An air bag.

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Girl: I've lost my dog. Boy: Why don't you put an ad in the paper? Girl: Don't be silly, my dog can't read!

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Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry?

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What are spiders webs good for? Spiders!

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What do you call four condoms who play music together? A rubber band.

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Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.

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For a holiday, Donnelly decided to go to Switzerland to fullfill a lifelong dream by climbing the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and went up. Just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Donnelly. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!

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Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.

How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

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Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN."

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What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black? Artificial intelligence.

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The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "true/false" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - false for Heads and true for Tails.

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What is the difference between fleas and dogs? Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!

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What did the dog do when he broke his toe? He called a tow truck.

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One August morning, farmer Hoskins started to town with horse and wagon. Half-way in, the horse stopped, turned his head, and said, "Sakes alive, but it's hot." The amazed farmer turned to his dog riding beside him and asked, "Did you hear what I heard?" "Yeah," said the dog, "but he's like every one else; always talking about the weather and never doing anything about it."

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What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.

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What dog always gets on everyone's nerves? A great pane!

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Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox?

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What's a frogs favourite flower? A croakus!

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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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Thank you for calling 444-4444. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

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What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

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