A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after you!'' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''

Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactussssssss

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What kind of car does a ghost drive? A boogati!

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What does a French poodle say before each meal? Bone appetit!

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Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle." Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"

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What newspapers do cats read? The Daily Mews!

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Why do rednecks act like such morons? Who says they're acting?

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Alsation: I was thinking of inviting my friend, the beagle, over for breakfast. What do you think I should serve? Chihuahua: That's easy! Beagles and cream cheese go great together!

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Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

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What's a mouse's favorite record? Please cheese me!

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How can you tell if a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares...

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Chasing a herd of elephants on vines "Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!"

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What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!

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The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisiana is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young'>Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive. A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says "Alright. Who's the other father!"

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OK, one more time… This is our answering machine… This is the message on our answering machine… Any questions?

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What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? An air bag.

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Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

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Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

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A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

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What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz!

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Q: What did King Tut say to the museum? A: I want my mummy!

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A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an angel." Her friend replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

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Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.

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Mrs. Quinlan and her neighbour Mrs. Groat were chatting about their teenagers. "Is your son hard to get out of bed in the morning?" asked Mrs. Quinlan. "No," replied Mrs. Groat. "I just open the door and throw the cat on his bed." "How does that wake him?" "He sleeps with the dog."

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What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts!

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A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

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My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! That's what he'll answer, nothing!

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What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories? A shaggy dogs tale !

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I went hunting the other day, said Harris, "and the dogs got in the way of a skunk. They finally gave up the chase." "Did they lose the scent?" asked his neighbour. "They gave up the skunk, but I don't think they'll ever lose the scent."

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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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