How is a cat laying down like a coin? Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!

What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"

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I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

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Q: What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A: A milk shake!

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Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"

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(As s/he is leaving) Hey aren't you forgetting something? S/he: What? Me!

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Silsby opened the refrigerator and found his dog sitting inside. "What are you doing here?" he said. "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" asked the dog. "Yes." "Well, I'm westing."

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What hurts? When a man with a boner runs against a wall. And what is embarrassing? When his nose touches the wall first.

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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

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Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

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Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come? Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

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Joe: Last night the lion-tamer at the circus was attacked by his lions. Brian: Was he clawed? Joe: I don't know what is name was.

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My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous

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What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!

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A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"

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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

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What does a sour puss eat? Crab meat!

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Q: How do blonde rain'>brain cells die? A: Alone

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A brunette was jumping up and down on a set of railroad tracks saying, "21,21,21." A blonde walked by, noticed the brunette, started jumping up and down on the tracks and repeated what the brunette was saying. The brunette heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The blonde kept jumping and saying, "21,21,21." The train ran over the blonde. When the train ended, the brunette jumped back on the tracks and started saying, "22,22,22."

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Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch.

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Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!

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What do you call a bunch of bugs that bother a dog? A fleat!

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She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" "I'm lost," says the man, "and I need the cat to give me directions home."

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Q: What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? A: The taste!

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Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

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Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $ 3.99 a minute.

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How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look!

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Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

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