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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
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(Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello… (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man… I’m a bit tired at the moment… (Long yawn.) I’m going back to sleep now… Just going to switch the answering machine on…
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The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
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Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China? A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
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One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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Sorry to inform you that you have a rain'>brain problem. Your rain'>brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it.
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A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse than I thought. It's broken on both sides."
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(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.
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I went to a disco last night... They played The Twist - so I did the twist. They played Jump - so I jumped. They played Come on Eileen - I got kicked out.
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Yesterday I was driving around in the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down at a table, crossed its legs and orders a coffee. I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that a horse orders a coffee. "Yes", the man said, "Very strange, indeed. Normally it drinks a pint of beer."
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Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money!
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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
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Q: What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A: A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
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A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? The dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!"
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