How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!

Their are two blondes working at a company together. The rest are redheads and brunettes. One day a blonde came in and started yelling "I'm a light, I'm a light!" The boss went over to her and and told her that if she yelled that again she would get fired. So the next day the blonde came in yelling "I'm a light, I'm a light!" The boss went over too her and told her that she was fired. So she started to pack her bags and her other blonde friend was packing her bags too. The boss went over to her and said "Why are you packing your bags I fired your friend not you?" "I know", said the blonde "but how am I supposed to work without a light?"

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(Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello… (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man… I’m a bit tired at the moment… (Long yawn.) I’m going back to sleep now… Just going to switch the answering machine on…

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(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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Did you hear about the idiot who filled out an employment application? In the blank labeled "Church Preference" he filled in: Red brick.

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What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor.

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What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest!

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Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

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What's the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

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How do Chihuahuas eat so much? They make a lot go a little way!

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How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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What does a cat go to sleep on? A caterpillow!

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Falker's short, unhappy life ended at forty-seven. His widow bought a dog to ease her loneliness. The sorrow mellowed as she became more attached to the dog. "She's happy because she's gotten back into her old pattern of living," reported a neighbour. "That dog is a perfect substitute for her husband. He's out all day, sleeps all evening, and she feeds him out of cans."

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You have reached 123-4567. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

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Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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What has stripes and pulls a tractor? A caterpillar tractor!

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Q: What do you catch when you go ice fishing? A: A cold

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Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new rain'>brain transplant? A: She sneezes.

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet? He wanted to see the floor show!

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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

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Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

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What is the difference between a female blond and a female mosquito? A female mosquito can raise a family when she is done sucking.

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

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Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?

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Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.

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