What squeaks as it solves crimes? Miami mice!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

More Pictures

                       

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

More Pictures

                       

How did your Chihuahua break its leg? I dropped some dog food on it by accident. But that couldn't have broken its leg. The dog food was still in the can!

More Pictures

                       

Q: What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160? A: Platoon

More Pictures

                       

The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: "Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men." "What is it?" the officer got interested. "Two hundred soldiers."

More Pictures

                       

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

More Pictures

                       

What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom!

More Pictures

                       

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

More Pictures

                       

Q: Why did the jellybean go to school? A: Because he wanted to be a smarty

More Pictures

                       

How do Chihuahuas eat so much? They make a lot go a little way!

More Pictures

                       

People are mad because MTV doesn't show music videos. What about Fox News? They haven't shown a fox in months.

More Pictures

                       

When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

More Pictures

                       

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

More Pictures

                       

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

More Pictures

                       

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles!

More Pictures

                       

A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc. Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected. She wrote, "YES."

More Pictures

                       

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

More Pictures

                       

What is a cat's favorite subject in school? HISStory.

More Pictures

                       

Why do lobsters make bad lovers? They're shellfish in bed.

More Pictures

                       

Almost had a threeseom. All i needed was 2 more girls.

More Pictures

                       

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

More Pictures

                       

How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

More Pictures

                       

Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

More Pictures

                       

A preacher went to buy a parrot and asked - "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" The salesman said, "Oh no, it's a religious parrot," "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm." "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "What happens if you pull both strings?" "I fall, you stupid fool!" answered the parrot

More Pictures

                       

Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new rain'>brain transplant? A: She sneezes.

More Pictures

                       

Q: What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? A: "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!"

More Pictures

                       

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

More Pictures

                       

A Blonde, called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows". The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

More Pictures

                       

Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)

More Pictures

                       

A tramp was scrounging for food near a farm when a watchful bulldog clamped his jaws on the bum's buns. He screamed and yelled and soon the farmer arrived. "Call off your dog," pleaded the tramp. "I can't," answered the farmer. "His name is Sick'm."

More Pictures