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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
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The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.
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Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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So Craig bought a Great Dane pup, led it to Central Park, and turned it loose to ramble on the grass. Sure enough, a beautiful girl got up from a bench and made a beeline for him. "Is that your dog?" she asked. "It sure is," smiled Craig. "Then here's a summons for letting him run loose in the park without a leash," said the girl - a lady cop with a heart of stone.
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You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
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Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China? A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
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Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
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A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
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Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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Teacher: Name four members of the cat family. Alex: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!
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Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"
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Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees. They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Kowalski finally said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next tree we come to, whether it has lights on it or not!"
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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?
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When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
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Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid? Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
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Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time." The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."
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