Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load!

What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

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Q: What can you make from baked beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

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Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill? A: They stop delivering.

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Q: Why do divorced men get married again? A: Bad memory.

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Swedish business'>business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 11 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

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Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area!

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Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

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During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said. "What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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Personnel Director: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places? Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to these places no more!

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What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!

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Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

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Is it hot in here or is it just you?

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He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

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How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!

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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.

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Q: Why do farts smell? A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

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The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

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Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

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I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

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Do you have a twin sister? Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world!

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

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I've been sober as far back as I can remember. Which is roughly 11 hours.

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What do you say to your cat when you go out? Have a mice day!

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Who is the funniest tennis player? Djokovic

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I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

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What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?

My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.

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