Jokes about Anyways

One day I went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason I actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?" "Yes, whats your point?" "Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks" "Yeah well, I tried that, But then I couldn't breathe."

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(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

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Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team? A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.

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Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? To improve his bite!

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What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?"Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

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What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!

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What makes a glow worm glow? A light meal!

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What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? "Well, doggone!"

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What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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Why do worms taste like chewing gum? Because they're wrigleys!

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What do you call two women standing side by side? Four abreast!

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

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A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde were all running from the cops. They decided to split up. The brunette went to the west and jumped in with a pack of dogs. She started barking so the cops went after the red-head. The red-head went to east and jumped in with a pack of cats. She started meowing so the cops went after the blonde. The blonde went south and jumped into a vegetable garden. When the cops caught up with her, she began repeating, "Photosyntehsis, photosynthesis..."

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Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

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How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life? Tell him a joke when he's a baby!

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You need $20 and a friend. Give friend the $20. Walk up to target. Friend says, "You're right. Those are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." Hands'>Hands you the $20 and walks away.

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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"

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Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

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Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.

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How do you say "Chihuahua" in Italy? Chihuahua!

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What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.

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What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick? A docs-hund!

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A blonde is outside when the garbage man comes up the drive way and asks her if "any garbage today?" The blonde answers "We'll have three bags please."

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Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? A: Should we walk home or take a dog?

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A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"

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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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