Jokes about Barton

Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor. "Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton. "I can't today," Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain." "Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather." "It don't leak then!"

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

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The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "true/false" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - false for Heads and true for Tails.

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Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? A: Put him in the front seat.

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Q: What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows? A: A milk sheik!

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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

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Q: How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stool? A: You turn it over!

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Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter, he won't come!

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN."

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A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

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What do a teenage boy and a dog have in common? They both want to bury their bone.

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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.

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One day, a blonde and a brunette were driving to a party and they were speeding because they were late. "Watch out for cops," the brunette said. They drove on for about five minutes when suddenly the blonde said nervously, "I think that's a cop behind us." "Is it after us?" the brunette questioned. "Er, um..." answered the blonde. "Well, is it?" asked the brunette with a growing temper. "I don't know..." "Well are it's lights on?" insisted the brunette. Replied the blonde, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no..."

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Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored? A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

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What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and squeak!

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Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!

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Q: How do you define confusion? A: A blind lesbian in a fish market!

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Q: What did dela wear?(Delaware) A: Her New Jersey

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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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Why do frogs have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!

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After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR. "The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here!"

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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

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An evil genie captured a brunette, a redhead, and a dumb blonde and banished them all to the desert for a week. The genie allowed them each to bring one thing. The brunette brought a canteen so she wouldn't die of thirst. The redhead brought an umbrella so she could keep the sun off. The dumb blonde brought a car door, so if it got too hot out, she could just roll down the window!

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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.

“You look life my first wife!” “How many have you had?” “None.”

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