Jokes about Doctor


    • The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

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    • One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to see her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it? Blonde: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letters spell? Blonde: It said "Pull"

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    • Benson had been bitten by a dog, and the wound was taking a long time to heal. Finally he consulted a doctor, who took one look and ordered the dog brought in. The M.D. knew the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient a serum, the medico felt he had to prepare him for the worst. At that moment, Benson sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," said the physician. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," said the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite."

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    • A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts." The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

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    • After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR. "The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here!"

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    • A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

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    • "Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"

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    • Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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    • Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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    • Rabinowitz walked into Gold's Theatrical Agency with a puppy under his arm. "I got here an attraction that'll make you a million dollars. I got a little puppy dog that plays an electric piano and sings My Yid-dishe Mama." "I don't believe it," said Gold. Rabinowitz opened up a suitcase, pulled out a tiny piano, put the puppy at it and the dog began playing and singing. The theatrical agent leaped up and shouted, "My God! We'll clean up a fortune!" Just then the door opened and in walked a big dog, grabbed the puppy by the neck, and ran out with him. "What the hell was that?" asked the agent. "That's the puppy's mother," answered Rabinowitz. "She wants him to be a doctor!

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    • Mrs. Crandall told the psychiatrist that her husband, George, had a craving for dog food and was raiding their Doberman's supply. She showed him a can of it "This looks harmless," he said, after checking the label. 'Your husband'll get over his love for dog food. Let him eat all he wants." Three weeks later, Mrs. Crandall phoned to say that her spouse was dead. "My God!" exclaimed the psychiatrist. "It wasn't the dog food, was it?" "No, Doctor," she replied sadly. "Poor George was out in the driveway scratching his fleas, and I accidentally backed over him."

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    • Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN."

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    • Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

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    • Doctor, said the patient, "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '41."

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    • During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?" "Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

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    • An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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    • Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says 'I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?' Guy says 'good news first.' 'Ok, You got 24 hours to live' 'Dang, what’s the bad news!' 'I shoulda' told you yesterday!'

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    • Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

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    • During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

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    • This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?

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    • Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit!

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    • Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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    • Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.

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    • An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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    • A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde yelled at the doctor... "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!"

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    • A client of a hospital where they made rain'>brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. rain'>brain costs $10,000. This rain'>brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's rain'>brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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    • The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

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    • Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!

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    • A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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    • A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

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    • A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

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    • A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!"

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    • Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

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    • I've got some good news and some bad news the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm f**king her."

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    • A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

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    • A doctor is going about his business'>business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

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    • A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

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    • Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

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    • This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

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    • What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog wearing your favourite tie? Go see a doctor. You have been seeing too many 500-pound dogs lately.

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    • A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her "What happened?" She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The person called back."

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    • The henpecked husband finally had a breakdown and thought he was a dog. He ate dog food, slept at the foot of the bed, and barked at the mailman. His wife took him to the doctor, who sent him to the hospital. Two months later he seemed himself again. He ate regular food, watched television, talked to everyone, and seemed fine. The doctor decided to release him, and the man was ecstatic. "I know I'm better, Doctor," he said. "Just feel how cool my nose is."

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    • A proctologist walks into a bar. Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat? Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.

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    • Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."

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    • Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years." She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion". "OK" he says, "you're f**king ugly as well!"

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    • Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.

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    • A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor. "One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee." "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."

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    • Tyfus applied for a job in a factory. The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have your eyes ever been checked?" "No," said the worker. "They've always been brown."

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    • A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

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    • What kind of doctors are like spiders? Spin doctors!

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    • Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: He was feeling crummy!

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    • Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?

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    • Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox?

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    • The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife. "Show him, honey."

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    • Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?" Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"

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    • A blonde goes to a doctors office and askes the nurse if she has any grapes. The nurse says "this is a doctors office we dont have any grapes." The blonde apologizes and leaves. The next day she returns and again asks the nurse for grapes. The nurse says "madam, I still dont have any grapes." The same blonde returns for 5 days straight and asks for grapes every time. On the 5th day the nurse says "no and the next time you come here and ask for grapes I will staple your feet to the floor." The next day the blonde comes back and says "excuse me nurse do you have any staples ?" The nurse says "no." In that case, the blonde asks "do you have any grapes?"

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    • Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem?

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    • Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

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    • A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"

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    • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

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    • Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: He was feeling crummy!

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    • One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears. The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."

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    • As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"

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