Jokes about English

How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.

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What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony? The Brit Awarts!

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Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!

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What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.

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The chief constable of a small English town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night his telephone rang. "Is Mr. Smythe there?" said an agitated voice. Mrs. Smythe answered "yes" and inquired, "Do you want my husband in his capacity of veterinary surgeon or as chief constable?" "Both, lady," came the reply. "We can't get our new bulldog to open his mouth, and there's a burglar in it."

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Can you read Chinese? "Yes, but only when it's printed in English."

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I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.

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What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

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What do you get when you cross a Chihuahua with an English sheepdog? Small wool sweaters!

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Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes: "Why?"

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Hobson had been seeing a headshrinker for some months because he thought he was a poodle. One day a friend stopped him and asked, "How's the treatment going?" "Well," said Hobson, "I can't say I'm cured yet, but I've made some progress. My psychiatrist has stopped me from chasing cars."

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What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!

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A blonde and brunette are walking along and the brunette turns to the blonde and said 'my husband had really bad dandruff, so I gave him head and shoulders.' then the blonde says 'how do you give shoulders?

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Barrett, a New Yorker, went to the country for the first time to do some hunting. Ferris, a kennel owner, provided the dogs to accompany Barrett. The hunter left early the next morning but returned in an hour. "Why are you back so soon?" asked Ferris. "I'm after more dogs." "More dogs!" exclaimed the kennel owner. "Those were good dogs I gave you." "I know, but I've shot those dogs already."

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Two donkeys were talking about their owners. The first one said, "My owner is so harassing, he beats me often." Second donkey: Why do not you leave your owner? First donkey: I was thinking about the same. But, he has a very good looking daughter. And, whenever she does some mischievous acts, he says that he will get her married to some donkey! And, I am just waiting for that to happen.

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Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

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Benson had been bitten by a dog, and the wound was taking a long time to heal. Finally he consulted a doctor, who took one look and ordered the dog brought in. The M.D. knew the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient a serum, the medico felt he had to prepare him for the worst. At that moment, Benson sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," said the physician. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," said the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite."

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Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A: The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time. Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A: The one who can eat the last doughnut.

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What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice!

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What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!

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Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

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What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom!

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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

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Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

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Q: What did one tornado say to the other? A: "Let's twist again, like we did last summer..."

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business'>business!

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Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach? A: Sandwitch

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The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "true/false" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - false for Heads and true for Tails.

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Q: What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A: A power failure.

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Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?" "Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."

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What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!

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A Los Angeles Times travel editor, tells about Califano, the famous dog trainer, who gave a party in honor of his talented Alsatian. As part of the entertainment, the hound lumbered over the baby grand, climbed on the stool, and proceeded to play a Bach sonata. Halfway through, one of the guests spoke too loudly and the animal growled and chased the heckler into a corner. "Don't worry," said Califano, "his Bach is worse than his bite."

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The kennel owner saw a chance to make a quick sale to the nouveau riche dowager. "Madam," he said, "I have a wonderful buy for you. Look at this magnificent thoroughbred bloodhound." "How do I know it's a,real bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully. "Courtney," said the kennel owner quickly, "bleed for the lady."

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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.

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The family moved from the city to the suburbs and was told to get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they bought the largest dog they could find. Shortly afterwards, the house was broken into by burglars who had a good haul while the dog slept. The householder went to the kennel owner and told him about it. "Well," said the dealer, "what you need is a little dog to wake up the big dog."

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."

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