Jokes about Good

Two donkeys were talking about their owners. The first one said, "My owner is so harassing, he beats me often." Second donkey: Why do not you leave your owner? First donkey: I was thinking about the same. But, he has a very good looking daughter. And, whenever she does some mischievous acts, he says that he will get her married to some donkey! And, I am just waiting for that to happen.

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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.

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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

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A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

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Hello. If you’re calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it’s good news, wait for the tone.

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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A Blonde, called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows". The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says 'I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?' Guy says 'good news first.' 'Ok, You got 24 hours to live' 'Dang, what’s the bad news!' 'I shoulda' told you yesterday!'

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Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

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A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."

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Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10? Because nothing good happens after 9:11.

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I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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Panting and perspiring, two blondes on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill. "That was a steep climb," said the first blonde. "It certainly was," replied the second. "It's a good thing we kept the brake on so we wouldn't have slid backwards."

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

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Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six? Because deep down they really are good people.

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Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.

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A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." The captain looked at her, "Are you sure lady? This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?

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Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

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A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks. "Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says. Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks. "Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says. Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" "No darling, it's because you're 25."

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A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor. On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words. On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said: "I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"

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The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it." St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in." Next a group of mice appeared. St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted." The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?" St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish." Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?" Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.

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When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!

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This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn. "Why are you doing that?" asked his neighbour. "It's to keep the elephants off the grass", he replied. "But we don't get elephants round here!" "I know - good stuff isn't it!"

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The farmer's collie had just died. He was bemoaning his loss when a little cocker spaniel walked up to him and said, "I heard your collie is dead. How about giving me a job?" "You!" gasped the farmer. "How could a little fellow like you take the place of my big dog?" "I'll show you." He leaped into the driver's seat of the tractor, operated the machine perfectly, turned off the ignition, trotted over to the stable, and milked three cows. "How's that?" he asked the farmer. "Very good," the farmer said, "but let me see how you shuck corn." "Hold it!" exclaimed the cocker spaniel. "Who ever heard of a dog that could shuck corn"

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Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load!

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Hotchkis wanted to sell his Doberman, so he asked the local pet shop owner to look at the animal. "This is a good dog," said Hotchkis. "It cost me $1,000, but I'll let you have it for only $50." "That's a rather big reduction," said the pet shop owner. "Is there something wrong with it?" "No," said the man. "The fact is it turned on my wife one day and killed her, and now I've got no further use for it"

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What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, and the other's a great year.

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master, "but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off."

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Jett was trying to light a match. He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it away. He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed it. Jett struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!" said the idiot, blowing it out. "Ah'm gonna save it!"

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"

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It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the f**k did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

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Barrett, a New Yorker, went to the country for the first time to do some hunting. Ferris, a kennel owner, provided the dogs to accompany Barrett. The hunter left early the next morning but returned in an hour. "Why are you back so soon?" asked Ferris. "I'm after more dogs." "More dogs!" exclaimed the kennel owner. "Those were good dogs I gave you." "I know, but I've shot those dogs already."

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry hou

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During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said. "What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

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Thank you for calling 444-4444. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

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What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest!

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What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.

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A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

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A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor..."I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."

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Gendel took Bessie, his conversational canine, to a nightclub for an audition. The dog sang "Moon River," "You Made Me Love You," and "Melancholy Baby," without missing a word. "Well, how do you like Bessie?" asked Gendel. "She sings great," said the nightclub owner, "but I don't think she'll look good in an evening gown!"

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Morrissey, the ventriloquist, was on the way down to a bar for a drink when a big shaggy dog fell in at his side. They went in, the ventriloquist ordered a scotch, and for a laugh he looked at the dog and said, "Well, are you having the usual?" "No, thanks, I've had enough this morning," said the dog. The barman was flabbergasted. He offered $50 for the animal. "No, sir!" said Morrissey. "I've had him since he was a pup." 'Til make it $100!" said the bartender. Morrissey shook his head. When the offer went to $500 the ventriloquist grabbed the money and headed for the door. "All right," he added, "take good care of him." With a last look at the dog, "Farewell, old pal!" "Old pal, my foot!" said the dog, "after what you've just done I'll never speak to another human as long as I live."

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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

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Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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I've got some good news and some bad news the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm f**king her."

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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

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Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

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The family moved from the city to the suburbs and was told to get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they bought the largest dog they could find. Shortly afterwards, the house was broken into by burglars who had a good haul while the dog slept. The householder went to the kennel owner and told him about it. "Well," said the dealer, "what you need is a little dog to wake up the big dog."

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Selkirk offered to sell a Dalmatian to Maxwell for $10, claiming it was a talking dog. "Please buy me," said the canine. "My owner is mean to me, and he beats me with a whip. And I'm really a good dog. I was in the last war. I won the Distinguished Service Cross and the Purple Heart." "That Dalmation really does talk" gasped Maxwell, "Why do you want to sell him for only $10?" "Because," said the dog's owner, "I can't stand a liar."

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Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.

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Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?" Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"

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There was three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much lady's". the genie said, just for that I will grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes were happy. The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good time. The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world, ' poof", she was of with her husband having a good time. Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are, back together again.

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Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast!"

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Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

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What did the blind man say when he walked into the fish market? "Good moooorninging ladies!"

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A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

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Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.

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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

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Gary was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch his younger sister Lynne was playing with the dog. As the boy scraped away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. Lynne stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said, "For goodness sake, Gary, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

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Yo. I ain’t here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I’ll get back… (Sniff, sniff…) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.

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A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it. "This be no ordinary pig" said the farmer. "For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!" "And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned - knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire." The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said "Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?" "Well" said the farmer "when you've got an pig as good as that, you don't eat it all at once!"

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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh ..22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

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C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

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What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer? Answer: A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!

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The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, you fire her!"

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Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.

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You must be going to hell, because it is a sin to look that good.

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Why are spiders good swimmers? They have webbed feet!

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A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you." "Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."

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A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot six!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

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Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

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Connie stopped at a pet shop and soon fell in love with the puppy playing in the window. She entered the shop to inquire about the pup's pedigree. "The mother is a pure bred Scottie," said the proprietor. "As for the father... well, the father comes from a very good neighbourhood.

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A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

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What are spiders webs good for? Spiders!

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A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!"

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The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisiana is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young'>Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

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Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

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Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl!"

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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