Jokes about Harris

Harrison walked into the police station to report that his wife was missing. The sergeant began writing up the case. "How tall is she?" "About so high, give or take a little." "How much does she weigh?" "About average, I guess." "Color eyes?" "Neutral. I'm not too sure." "Hair color?" "I don't know. It changes." "What was she wearing?" "I suppose a hat and a coat." "Was she carrying anything?" "Yeah, a dog on a leash." "What kind of dog?" "A pedigreed white and gray German Shepherd, weighing thirty-nine pounds, six hands high, license 21-14-697-41-AFY, wearing a black collar, slightly deaf in the left ear, and answers to the name of Sam!"

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I went hunting the other day, said Harris, "and the dogs got in the way of a skunk. They finally gave up the chase." "Did they lose the scent?" asked his neighbour. "They gave up the skunk, but I don't think they'll ever lose the scent."

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The rich Beverly Hills widow loved her poodle, Poopie, even more than her dead husband. Poopie had his own appendicitis operation, all his teeth capped, and a special wardrobe designed by Yves St. Laurent. One evening she sent for the new butler. "Did you ring, madam?" "Yes, Harrison, I wish you to take Poopie out walking for two hours." "But Poopie won't follow me, madam," he replied. "Then, Harrison, you must follow Poopie."

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A drunk was passing a bus intersection when a large St. Bernard brushed against him and knocked him down. An instant later a foreign sports car skidded around the corner and inflicted more damage. A bystander helped the poor fellow up and said, "Are you hurt?" "Well," he answered, "the dog didn't hurt so much, but that tin can tied to his tail nearly killed me."

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A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!"

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Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taken in in the morning!

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Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry?

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An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. "I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO. "Why did you come back?" "Because there's already somebody there!"

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What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!

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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.

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One day I went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason I actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?" "Yes, whats your point?" "Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks" "Yeah well, I tried that, But then I couldn't breathe."

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When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

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Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.

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Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

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Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland, when one of the blondes read the sign, "Disneyland left". So they went home...

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Eleven dogs shared one umbrella, yet none got wet. How did they manage? It wasn't raining.

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When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

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Why did the dog say meow? He was learning a foreign language.

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My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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Why are dogs such poor dancers? They have two left feet.

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Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog horn!

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Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.

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What goes "snap, crackle and pop"? A firefly with a short circuit!

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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."

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It's wonderful the power I've got over dumb animals, boasted Rizzoli to his wife. "You notice wherever we go, dogs - big ones, small ones - no matta how mean, they alia come up and licka my hand." "Maybe," said Mrs. Rizzoli, "if you'd eata with a knife and forka once in a while, they wouldn'ta be so friendly."

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If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh ..22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

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When someone tells you to expect the unexpected, slap them and ask if they expected it!

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What do you get when you have a blonde do a handstand? A brunette with bad breath.

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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her "What happened?" She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The person called back."

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