Jokes about Leave
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Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
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Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.
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Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
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Now I lay me down to sleep, leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
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Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.
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One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."
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A giant panda went into a cafe and ordered a cheeseburger. It sat there quietly eating the cheeseburger, then it got up, took out a gun, shot the waiter, and walked outside. "Did you see that?" exclaimed a customer. "Why did he do that?" he asked the manager. The manager looked up from the book he was leafing through. "I'm looking it up in the dictionary," he replied. "It says here: "Panda, eats shoots and leaves."
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Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.
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Hello. If you’re calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it’s good news, wait for the tone.
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Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.
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You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
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Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.
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A blonde goes to a doctors office and askes the nurse if she has any grapes. The nurse says "this is a doctors office we dont have any grapes." The blonde apologizes and leaves. The next day she returns and again asks the nurse for grapes. The nurse says "madam, I still dont have any grapes." The same blonde returns for 5 days straight and asks for grapes every time. On the 5th day the nurse says "no and the next time you come here and ask for grapes I will staple your feet to the floor." The next day the blonde comes back and says "excuse me nurse do you have any staples ?" The nurse says "no." In that case, the blonde asks "do you have any grapes?"
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Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
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Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
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Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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These words are lovely dark and deep. But I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. So leave a message at the beep.
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Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
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Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted.
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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
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The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
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(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
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If you take your dog downtown, where should you leave him? In a barking lot.
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Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
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A man has to leave the country on business'>business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.After about a week of no news the business'>business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
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What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth!
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You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.
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Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
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Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where You saw Elvis!
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There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage. So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave. So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor. See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around. They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself. He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks. Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!
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Two donkeys were talking about their owners. The first one said, "My owner is so harassing, he beats me often." Second donkey: Why do not you leave your owner? First donkey: I was thinking about the same. But, he has a very good looking daughter. And, whenever she does some mischievous acts, he says that he will get her married to some donkey! And, I am just waiting for that to happen.
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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.
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Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
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Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
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We are borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
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(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paperbag.
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Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom!
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Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl!"
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Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
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You have reached 123-4567. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.
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What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out!
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Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.
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(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you’d like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we’ll try to reach you when you’re not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!
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So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.
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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads... Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows... Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
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Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.
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'ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
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You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
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Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)
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Customer: Do you have and cockroaches? Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman. Customer: I would like 20,000 of them. Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches? Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
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Hello. I'm home right now but can not find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
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Hello, you’ve reached 333-3333, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
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I am not home to talk to you, but please don’t be a creep. Just leave your name and number, at the sound of the…
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You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... cation'>vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
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A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
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How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty? The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me"!
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Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
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Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, “Who’s there?”) Isn’t that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message…
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I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.
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Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
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Yo. I ain’t here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I’ll get back… (Sniff, sniff…) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.
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The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."
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How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves? She falls out of the tree!
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You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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The bartender looked up in surprise as the big shaggy dog sauntered into the bar. "I'll have a Scotch and water," said the dog. The bartender placed the drink in front of him and the dog downed it in one gulp. "That'll be $10," said the bartender, hoping to take advantage of the creature. The dog paid it and started to leave. "You know," said the bartender, "we don't see many dogs in this bar." "Yeah," scowled the dog, "and at $10 a drink you won't see any more, either."
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Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
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Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.
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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door. The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' to which the man replies, 'Its not a lion its a giraffe!
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A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. 'You can't go home in this,' said one of his friends, ' you'd better stay the night.' 'That's very kind of you,' said the boy. ' I'll just run home and get my pyjamas.'
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Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
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Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
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Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.
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Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message…
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Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.
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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my rain'>brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
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