Jokes about Microsoft

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

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What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?"Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

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How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek'>Seek? One.

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Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella. "No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"

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Do cucumbers make anyone else burp? Or am I shoving mine up to far?

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Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."

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There were 11 people holding onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.

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Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted.

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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Alsation: I was thinking of inviting my friend, the beagle, over for breakfast. What do you think I should serve? Chihuahua: That's easy! Beagles and cream cheese go great together!

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What do you call a bug that bothers dogs on Halloween? A trick-or-fleat!

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Q. Whats the difference between an elephants fart and a cocktail saloon? A. One is a Bar Room and the others a BARRROOOOOOOMMMM!

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Why are spiders good swimmers? They have webbed feet!

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What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.

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Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.

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Arnie was describing his visit to New Orleans to his friend Jason. "Boy, did I meet a lot of southern belles! I went out with a girl named Kitty, and Fran, and Sue, and Myrtle, and Rover, and -" "Rover?" interrupted his friend. "Rover sounds like a dog." "If you think Rover was a dog, you should've seen Kitty, and Fran, and Sue, and Myrtle."

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The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

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One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to see her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it? Blonde: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letters spell? Blonde: It said "Pull"

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The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting. Then it brought me down.

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There is an old story about the data center of the future. This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

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When is a dog most likely to enter the house? When the door is open.

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My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

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Whats the world weakest animal? A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

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What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

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How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!

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When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom: "The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President Clinton, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position."

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What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!

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What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz!

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How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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