Jokes about Now


    • Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

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    • How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...

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    • A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"

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    • A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

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    • What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick? You should know more than your puppy!

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    • You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.

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    • Now I lay me down to sleep, leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

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    • A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby. Say, farmer. Is that bull safe? Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

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    • How do you know if your dog is lost? When it's barking up the wrong tree?

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    • Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A: It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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    • The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

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    • A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice. "Are you hurt?" asked another. "I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"

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    • This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"

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    • A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"

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    • One day, a blonde and a brunette were driving to a party and they were speeding because they were late. "Watch out for cops," the brunette said. They drove on for about five minutes when suddenly the blonde said nervously, "I think that's a cop behind us." "Is it after us?" the brunette questioned. "Er, um..." answered the blonde. "Well, is it?" asked the brunette with a growing temper. "I don't know..." "Well are it's lights on?" insisted the brunette. Replied the blonde, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no..."

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    • How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? You slap him and he slaps you back!

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    • Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

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    • Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.

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    • A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!"

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    • How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

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    • There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage. So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave. So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor. See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around. They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself. He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks. Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!

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    • I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my rain'>brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

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    • What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow? Slush puppies!

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    • Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."

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    • A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

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    • Do you know what Rodeo Sex is? It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

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    • The kennel owner saw a chance to make a quick sale to the nouveau riche dowager. "Madam," he said, "I have a wonderful buy for you. Look at this magnificent thoroughbred bloodhound." "How do I know it's a,real bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully. "Courtney," said the kennel owner quickly, "bleed for the lady."

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    • Q: Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman? A: Because you have to hollow the head out.

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    • Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation...

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    • A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

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    • Why did the Chihuahua bark when it heard a song on the radio? It didn't know the words!

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    • We are borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

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    • I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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    • Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? For throwing out the W's.

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    • As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

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    • A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

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    • Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

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    • What do I know about dwarves? Very little.

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    • A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

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    • A couple of blondes got lost at the mall. So they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says: YOU ARE HERE One blonde looks at the other and exclaims: "WoW! How do they know that?"

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    • A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish. The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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    • Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

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    • You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

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    • Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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    • A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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    • If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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    • What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.

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    • The henpecked husband finally had a breakdown and thought he was a dog. He ate dog food, slept at the foot of the bed, and barked at the mailman. His wife took him to the doctor, who sent him to the hospital. Two months later he seemed himself again. He ate regular food, watched television, talked to everyone, and seemed fine. The doctor decided to release him, and the man was ecstatic. "I know I'm better, Doctor," he said. "Just feel how cool my nose is."

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    • The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it."

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    • There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

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    • I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.

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    • (Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello… (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man… I’m a bit tired at the moment… (Long yawn.) I’m going back to sleep now… Just going to switch the answering machine on…

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    • A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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    • Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

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    • What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox? If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.

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    • What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer? Answer: A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!

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    • Blonde: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" Woman: "It's 11:25PM." Blonde: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

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    • A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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    • You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

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    • You have reached 123-4567. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

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    • In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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    • Their are two blondes working at a company together. The rest are redheads and brunettes. One day a blonde came in and started yelling "I'm a light, I'm a light!" The boss went over to her and and told her that if she yelled that again she would get fired. So the next day the blonde came in yelling "I'm a light, I'm a light!" The boss went over too her and told her that she was fired. So she started to pack her bags and her other blonde friend was packing her bags too. The boss went over to her and said "Why are you packing your bags I fired your friend not you?" "I know", said the blonde "but how am I supposed to work without a light?"

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    • Two mice met in the early nineteen-sixties, when manned flights in orbit were as yet in the planning stage. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, one said, "But you look worn out, Michael. What's the matter?" Michael shrugged his little shoulders and said, "Life isn't easy for us scientists, you know. I'm in space research, and those experimental flights in rockets, with the weightlessness and the acceleration and the uncertainty of safe return -- Well, it's hard on one's nerves." "In that case," said his friend, "why don't you quit and take a job in some other line of work?" "That's easy to say," said Michael, "but stop and think - Is a job in cancer research any better?"

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    • I didn't know that angels could fly so low!

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    • Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.

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    • Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

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    • Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel... What is the oldest daughter's name? You think you know it? Aww… a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name was Dime... but if you were really smart you would know that the oldest daughters name is Anna!

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    • An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."

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    • Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl!"

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    • The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool!" "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"

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    • Harrison walked into the police station to report that his wife was missing. The sergeant began writing up the case. "How tall is she?" "About so high, give or take a little." "How much does she weigh?" "About average, I guess." "Color eyes?" "Neutral. I'm not too sure." "Hair color?" "I don't know. It changes." "What was she wearing?" "I suppose a hat and a coat." "Was she carrying anything?" "Yeah, a dog on a leash." "What kind of dog?" "A pedigreed white and gray German Shepherd, weighing thirty-nine pounds, six hands high, license 21-14-697-41-AFY, wearing a black collar, slightly deaf in the left ear, and answers to the name of Sam!"

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    • A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master, "but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off."

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    • Gary was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch his younger sister Lynne was playing with the dog. As the boy scraped away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. Lynne stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said, "For goodness sake, Gary, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

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    • Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.

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    • Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.

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    • The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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    • This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?

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    • I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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    • Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

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    • Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going ?

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    • Hello. I'm home right now but can not find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

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    • Why did the blonde cross the road? I dont know, and neither does she.

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    • For a holiday, Donnelly decided to go to Switzerland to fullfill a lifelong dream by climbing the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and went up. Just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Donnelly. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!

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    • How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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    • When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

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    • Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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    • A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

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    • A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world. Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map? Tony shows him America. Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America? Lisa: Tony did!

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    • A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

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    • A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

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    • On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'". "You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

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    • How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look!

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    • There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor comes to her house they do a walk-through and he asks her what colors she would like. When they come to the living room, she tolls him that she would like a nice and warm cream color. The contractor writes something down on his pad then walks to the window and yells "Greenside up." The lady gets a little confused, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, "I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark." The contractor writes something down on his pad again , then walks to the window and again yells, "Greenside up!" The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here." The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, "Greenside up." The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, "Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?" The contractor replies, "Well, if you look across the street, I have four blondes laying sod in your neighbours yard."

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    • My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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    • I don't know what it is that makes you stupid but whatever it is, it works.

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    • Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where You saw Elvis!

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    • Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy, and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".

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    • Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy-woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way, "said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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    • A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

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    • Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

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    • Holton sat down in a Green Bay restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you know whether the milk from this dairy is pasteurized?" "Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning they turn the cows out to pasture."

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    • The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it." St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in." Next a group of mice appeared. St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted." The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?" St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish." Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?" Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

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    • One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

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    • Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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    • Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.

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    • Rabinowitz walked into Gold's Theatrical Agency with a puppy under his arm. "I got here an attraction that'll make you a million dollars. I got a little puppy dog that plays an electric piano and sings My Yid-dishe Mama." "I don't believe it," said Gold. Rabinowitz opened up a suitcase, pulled out a tiny piano, put the puppy at it and the dog began playing and singing. The theatrical agent leaped up and shouted, "My God! We'll clean up a fortune!" Just then the door opened and in walked a big dog, grabbed the puppy by the neck, and ran out with him. "What the hell was that?" asked the agent. "That's the puppy's mother," answered Rabinowitz. "She wants him to be a doctor!

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    • The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

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    • Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.

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    • A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."

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    • A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."

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    • Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

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    • Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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    • Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"

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    • Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

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    • You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

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    • Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!

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    • A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!" "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about how much I spent on it." "Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to cook it, I read the directions on the back and they said, "PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE," so I had to fly Alaska."

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    • Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again? Jeff: Yes, but how did you know? Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down "I don't know". And you put down "Me neither".

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    • One idiot said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

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    • The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife. "Show him, honey."

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    • Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

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    • On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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    • A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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    • A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!"

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    • Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch? A man who told one to many blonde jokes.

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    • Hello. If you’re calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it’s good news, wait for the tone.

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    • Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.

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    • Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell." Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"

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    • Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

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    • Reverend Johnson, an old black preacher, was warning his parishioners about sin. "Sin," he said, "is like a big dog. There's the big dog of pride, and the big dog of envy, and the big dog of gluttony and finally, brothers, there's the big dog of sex. Now, folks, you gotta kill those big dogs before you're ever gonna get to heaven. It can be done, I know, cause I've done it. I killed the big dog of envy, and the big dog of pride, and the big dog of gluttony and yes, brethren, I killed the big dog of sex!" "Brother!" came a voice from the back of the church, "are you sure that last dog didn't die a nat'chel death?"

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    • Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle." Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"

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    • For a holiday, Donnelly decided to go to Switzerland to fullfill a lifelong dream by climbing the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and went up. Just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Donnelly. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!

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    • How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!

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    • Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

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    • A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

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    • My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

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    • Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side: "Zelda, you've always been by my side" "When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side" "When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side" "When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side" "When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side" "And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"..."Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"

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    • A hungry dog went walking into a grocery store.The grocer tossed a frankfurter to Fido on the floor. He said, "Now doggie, eat it." Said Fido, "I decline, in that sausage is an old sweetheart of mine"

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    • A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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    • Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

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    • See my friend standing over there? He wants to know if you think I am cute!

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    • How do you know which Chihuahua can ride a bike? It's the one wearing a helmet!

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    • What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?"Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

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    • Benson had been bitten by a dog, and the wound was taking a long time to heal. Finally he consulted a doctor, who took one look and ordered the dog brought in. The M.D. knew the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient a serum, the medico felt he had to prepare him for the worst. At that moment, Benson sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," said the physician. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," said the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite."

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    • Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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    • Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years." She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion". "OK" he says, "you're f**king ugly as well!"

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    • Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... cation'>vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

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    • Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

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    • This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

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    • A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..." The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..." The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

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    • Barrett, a New Yorker, went to the country for the first time to do some hunting. Ferris, a kennel owner, provided the dogs to accompany Barrett. The hunter left early the next morning but returned in an hour. "Why are you back so soon?" asked Ferris. "I'm after more dogs." "More dogs!" exclaimed the kennel owner. "Those were good dogs I gave you." "I know, but I've shot those dogs already."

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    • One day I went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason I actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?" "Yes, whats your point?" "Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks" "Yeah well, I tried that, But then I couldn't breathe."

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    • One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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    • Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

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    • It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

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    • Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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    • Why does a d dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.

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    • You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

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    • If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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    • Detective: I am on the trail of a cat burglar Sergeant: How do you know it's a cat burglar? Detective: All it stole was a saucer and a pint of milk

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    • The bartender looked up in surprise as the big shaggy dog sauntered into the bar. "I'll have a Scotch and water," said the dog. The bartender placed the drink in front of him and the dog downed it in one gulp. "That'll be $10," said the bartender, hoping to take advantage of the creature. The dog paid it and started to leave. "You know," said the bartender, "we don't see many dogs in this bar." "Yeah," scowled the dog, "and at $10 a drink you won't see any more, either."

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    • I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.

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    • Thank you for calling 444-4444. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

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    • Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax." Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

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    • Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

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    • Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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    • I know I don’t have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.

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    • How do you know that you're too old? When the priest doesn't look at you anymore.

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    • An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat ."My dad has built them. "Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!"

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    • An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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    • An inmate was about to be discharged from an insane asylum. "Now that you've been pronounced cured," said the head psychiatrist, "what are your plans?" "Well, I used to be a lawyer," said the man, "so maybe I'll go back to that. Then again, being a certified public accountant, I might try that for a while. I might try teaching, too. And if I find I don't like any of those, I'll probably go in for architecture or maybe piloting a plane." He paused for a second and then added: "Of course, I might become a French poodle!"

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    • A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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    • What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

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    • A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

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    • A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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    • A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

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    • There was three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much lady's". the genie said, just for that I will grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes were happy. The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good time. The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world, ' poof", she was of with her husband having a good time. Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are, back together again.

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    • A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn. "Why are you doing that?" asked his neighbour. "It's to keep the elephants off the grass", he replied. "But we don't get elephants round here!" "I know - good stuff isn't it!"

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    • A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

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    • A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I know......but this one's eating my Popcorn

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    • You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.

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    • Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

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    • Reid, the television repairman, arrived at the Denker home and found his way was blocked by a snarling, barking dog. "Don't be afraid of him," exclaimed Mrs. Denker. "You know the old proverb 'A barking dog never bites.'" "Yeah," said the repairman. "You know the old proverb. I know the old proverb. But does the dog know the old proverb?"

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    • Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?" "Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."

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    • On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!" The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

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    • A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

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    • (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

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    • Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

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    • How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty? The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me"!

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    • A man is driving his car along a lonely country road when suddenly grinds to a halt. The driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too". He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. "Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it". The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?" "Yes." "I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

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    • Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A: It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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    • A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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    • An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?" "Sure. That's easy," said one man. "What is it?" "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O." "What, what?" reasked the instructor. "H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

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    • The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers. "I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!" After a few minutes, one of the men stopped. "Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer. "If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

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    • A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

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    • Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

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    • Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

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    • (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paperbag.

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