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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

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A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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Q: What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? A: Ask your parents.

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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."

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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!

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What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft!

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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse.

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A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. "Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist. "Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady. "In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first" replies the dentist.

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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

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How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!

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What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight!

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What kind of dog does a vampire prefer? Any kind of bloodhound!

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I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.

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Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

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An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!

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For a holiday, Donnelly decided to go to Switzerland to fullfill a lifelong dream by climbing the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and went up. Just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Donnelly. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!

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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

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Teacher: "To which family does the elephant belong?" Pupil: "I don't know, nobody I know owns one!"

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.

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When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!

What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him, naturally.

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Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull. Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

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What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.

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Q: What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A: A milk shake!

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Why was the frog down in the mouth? He was un hoppy!

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At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, but something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

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What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua? A short one!

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Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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