Jokes about Surgery

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Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

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What kind of dog chases anything red? A bull dog!

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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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Q: How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat? A: If you sit down before the other guy gets off.

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You need $20 and a friend. Give friend the $20. Walk up to target. Friend says, "You're right. Those are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." Hands'>Hands you the $20 and walks away.

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Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?

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A snobbish Park Avenue matron walked 'into a pet shop and ordered the proprietor to give her the finest dog he had in the store. He showed her several of his prize animals but she was dissatisfied. Finally, he picked up an adorable little pup and handed it to her. "Is he pedigreed?" "Pedigreed, indeed?" smirked the owner. "If this dog could talk, he wouldn't speak to either of us."

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Q: What goes 99 click? A: A centipede with a wooden leg.

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On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

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There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together? A: Dino-mite.

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What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers? A bud hound!

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No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

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How did I escape Iraq? Iran

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What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!

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What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black? Artificial intelligence.

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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

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Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It's a matter of taste!

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I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her. Turns out she was a gold digger...

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The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting. Then it brought me down.

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What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

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A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

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Q: What did dela wear?(Delaware) A: Her New Jersey

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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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What kind of car does a ghost drive? A boogati!

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How can you tell if a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares...

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What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.

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One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt". Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"

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If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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