Jokes about Teacher


    • Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull. Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

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    • We're going to play elephants and circuses,' said a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join in? 'I'd love to,' replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to do?' 'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts!'

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    • Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry?

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    • Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

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    • Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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    • When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

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    • The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager to count to five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his fingers. Then the teacher asked, "Can you count any higher?" The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five again.

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    • Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making! Dad: What is it what are you making? Pupil: Mistakes!

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    • Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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    • Teacher: Name four members of the cat family. Alex: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!

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    • A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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    • Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

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    • Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."

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    • Teacher: "Name six wild animals" Pupil: "Four elephants and two lions!"

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    • Teacher: "To which family does the elephant belong?" Pupil: "I don't know, nobody I know owns one!"

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    • "What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"

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    • Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again? Jeff: Yes, but how did you know? Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down "I don't know". And you put down "Me neither".

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    • Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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    • Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

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    • On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said "Say your ABCs first" The boy started saying "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z" The teacher asked at the end "Where is your P?" The boy answered "Running down my pants!!"

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    • I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

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    • A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

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    • Teacher: "Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in onesentence." Johnny: "De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail."

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    • Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?" Pupil: "You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!"

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    • Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!

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    • If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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    • How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.

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    • Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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    • Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

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    • A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

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    • A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world. Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map? Tony shows him America. Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America? Lisa: Tony did!

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    • Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

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