Jokes about Who


    • Benson had been bitten by a dog, and the wound was taking a long time to heal. Finally he consulted a doctor, who took one look and ordered the dog brought in. The M.D. knew the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient a serum, the medico felt he had to prepare him for the worst. At that moment, Benson sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," said the physician. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," said the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite."

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    • What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow? Slush puppies!

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    • Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

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    • Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!

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    • Who is the dogs favourite comedian? Growlcho Marx!

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    • Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

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    • I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

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    • Benson and his dog were sitting at a bar. He ordered two martinis. Benson handed one to the dog, who promptly drank it, then ate the glass until only the base and stem remained. Then he left. "That's the craziest thing I've ever seen," said the bartender. "Yeah, he's a dumb dog," said Benson. "The stem is the best part."

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    • Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.

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    • Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

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    • Who is the funniest tennis player? Djokovic

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    • There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" He replied "Sure!" Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

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    • Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates. "The woman replies, "Yes...And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we..."

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    • What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe!

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    • An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat ."My dad has built them. "Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!"

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    • Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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    • Maureen Perlmutter, the happy Hancock Park homemaker, tells about Darby, a dachshund who. loved country sausages. When he begged hard enough, his mistress wrote out an order for a few, and the dog grasped it between his jaws and trotted off to Barney's Butcher Shop with it. In time Barney took Darby's appearance as a matter of course and counted off a half dozen sausages without even consulting the order the dachshund dropped at his feet. One day the dog showed up at the store four times and Barney decided to check. The paper was absolutely blank. Whenever he wanted sausages, the wise old dog simply snatched up any piece of paper and trotted off to the butcher's with it.

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    • My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

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    • A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her. "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde. The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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    • What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!

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    • An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

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    • Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

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    • Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying "no"? No. Oh, so it's you!

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    • Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common? A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

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    • How can you tell if a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares...

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    • Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

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    • I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

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    • There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

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    • Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

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    • Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?

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    • What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist

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    • Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

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    • Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother!

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    • A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

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    • After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel'>Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel'>Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a f**king jinx!"

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    • A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game. She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand." "What did you not understand ?" And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

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    • The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

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    • What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

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    • Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

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    • Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!

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    • And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

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    • Little Willie'>Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

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    • One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb." The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" The blonde responded: "November?" "Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" The blonde responded: "Paris?" So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" The blonde replied: "Two?" “Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

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    • You hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

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    • Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in adrive-in movie? They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!

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    • The family moved from the city to the suburbs and was told to get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they bought the largest dog they could find. Shortly afterwards, the house was broken into by burglars who had a good haul while the dog slept. The householder went to the kennel owner and told him about it. "Well," said the dealer, "what you need is a little dog to wake up the big dog."

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    • Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!

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    • A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

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    • Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

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    • Cosgrove tried to convince a talent agent that his dog Rector could talk. "What covers a house?" asked the trainer. Rector replied, "Roof!" "And what is the opposite of smooth?" asked Cosgrove. "R-r-rough!" said the dog. "Who was the Sultan of Swat?" "R-r-r-Ruth!" answered the animal. Whereupon the agent threw Cosgrove and the dog out of his office and stood glowering at them in the doorway. The dog looked up at him and said, "Could it have been DiMaggio?"

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    • Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

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    • Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

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    • Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? A: The police.

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    • There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor comes to her house they do a walk-through and he asks her what colors she would like. When they come to the living room, she tolls him that she would like a nice and warm cream color. The contractor writes something down on his pad then walks to the window and yells "Greenside up." The lady gets a little confused, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, "I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark." The contractor writes something down on his pad again , then walks to the window and again yells, "Greenside up!" The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here." The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, "Greenside up." The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, "Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?" The contractor replies, "Well, if you look across the street, I have four blondes laying sod in your neighbours yard."

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    • Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

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    • What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

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    • Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.

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    • You have reached 123-4567. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

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    • Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

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    • Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.

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    • Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? A: The police.

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    • Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.

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    • Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

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    • If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

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    • Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common? A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

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    • Who is king of all the mice? Mouse Tse Tung!

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    • Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?

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    • Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?

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    • Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

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    • O'Brien was seated in a train beside a pompous man who was accompanied by a dog. "This a fine dog you have," said the Irishman. "What kind is it?" "A cross between an Irishman and an ape," replied the man. "Sure, an' it's related to both of us," said the Irishman.

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    • Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!

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    • Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.

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    • Did you hear about the Murfreesboro muddlerain'>brain whose father told him about the birds and the bees? The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was pregnant.

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    • What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!

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    • Did you hear about the lawyer on cation'>vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

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    • What happened to the man who turned into an insect? He just beetled off!

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    • He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

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    • Q: What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows? A: A milk sheik!

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    • A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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    • Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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    • What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!

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    • Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

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    • Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

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    • Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

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    • What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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    • Q: What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows? A: A milk sheik!

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    • What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy!

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    • Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A: The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time. Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A: The one who can eat the last doughnut.

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    • A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

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    • Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy-woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way, "said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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    • Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?

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    • Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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    • Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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    • Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch? A man who told one to many blonde jokes.

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    • What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black? Artificial intelligence.

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    • Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

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    • There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

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    • On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!" The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

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    • Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time. Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.

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    • Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

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    • A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."

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    • What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog? Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!

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    • After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR. "The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here!"

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    • My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

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    • Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios'>Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.

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    • A Hollywood theatrical agent tells about the blonde who took her dog to the vet. He advised her to buy some Nair and remove the excess hair around the Schnauzer's eyes and ears. The blonde entered a pharmacy and asked for the hair remover. "Use it full strength for leg hair," said the druggist, "but dilute it one half for underarms." "Oh," said the girl, "but I want to use it on my Schnauzer." "In that case," said the pharmacist, "you'd better use one quarter strength and I wouldn't ride a Honda for a couple of weeks."

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    • Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.

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    • How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change it to what?

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    • There was a guy who was in love with a beautiful woman, but he had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. He learned of a school that could help him, so he enrolled and was gone for about 3 months. When he came back, his buddy picked him up at the airport and asked, "How'd it go, are you cured?" He said, "Well - sort - of - but - I - must - talk - real - slow - now." His buddy says, "That's OK, she loves you, she'll marry you." So he drops him off at her house. About 2 hours later he's back at his buddy's house. His buddy say's, "Well, how'd it go, are you going to get married?" He said, "No, - I - don't - think - so." His buddy asked, "What happened?" He said, "Well, - we - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree - and - I - said, - " Look, - Honey, - after - we're - married , - you - can - do - that - to - me", - but, - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - ass!"

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    • Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

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    • She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.

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    • Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

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    • I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

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    • An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."

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    • Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"

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    • You see all of those dogs standing in line for the concert? Yup! Well, why are they all scratching so much? Oh, that's the line for all of the dogs who have tickets!

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who filled out an employment application? In the blank labeled "Church Preference" he filled in: Red brick.

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    • Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"

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    • Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

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    • Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

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    • Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

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    • Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!

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    • Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time. Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.

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    • Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

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    • Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

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    • A man has to leave the country on business'>business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.After about a week of no news the business'>business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

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    • Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

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    • A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

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    • What do you get the man who has everything? Antibiotics

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    • Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol

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    • I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

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    • A great big sheep dog was sent to a kennel, where his owners hoped he might learn to stop jumping up on everybody who came into their home. At the kennel he got into a conversation with a tiny French poodle. "My name's Josette," said the little dog, "what's yours?""I'm not sure," said the sheep dog, "but I think it's Downboy."

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    • How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive. A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says "Alright. Who's the other father!"

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    • A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

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    • A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

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    • A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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    • Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on? He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.

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    • Middle-aged Begley was bicycling through the park one day when he decided to stop for a few minutes' rest. There were several small boys playing with a puppy nearby. Feeling friendly, Begley walked over to where the boys sat. "Hi, gang! What're you doing to the dog?" he asked. "Whoever tells the biggest lie wins the pup," answered Wally, the ringleader. "I'm surprised at you boys," he said. "When I was young like you, I never told a lie." "Give this guy the dog!" exclaimed Wally.

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

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    • Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

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    • A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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    • Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

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    • What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.

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    • Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

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    • A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

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    • This blonde, brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says "meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "who's out there? The brunette says "meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP. "Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".

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    • Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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    • How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!

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    • Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

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    • In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.

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    • A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

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    • What do you call a blonde with a whole rain'>brain? A Golden Retriever.

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    • Did you hear about the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.

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    • Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

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    • What happened to the glow worm who was squashed? He was de-lighted!

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    • There were 11 people holding onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

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    • Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, “Who’s there?”) Isn’t that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message…

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    • Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War? Robert E Flea!

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    • What do you call four condoms who play music together? A rubber band.

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    • What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.

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    • In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing'>Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."

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    • A Los Angeles Times travel editor, tells about Califano, the famous dog trainer, who gave a party in honor of his talented Alsatian. As part of the entertainment, the hound lumbered over the baby grand, climbed on the stool, and proceeded to play a Bach sonata. Halfway through, one of the guests spoke too loudly and the animal growled and chased the heckler into a corner. "Don't worry," said Califano, "his Bach is worse than his bite."

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    • A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

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    • Did you hear about the Oklahoma idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.

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    • Who was the most powerful cat in China? Chairman Miaow!

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    • Why do rednecks act like such morons? Who says they're acting?

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    • Dobson, a Des Moines drunkard, picked up a year-old copy of the London Times and read an ad offering a large reward for the return of a very shaggy dog to its bereft owner in Walton-on-Thames. Ten minutes later Dobson stumbled over the shaggiest pup ever born. He promptly bundled the canine under his arm, hitchhiked to New York, took a freighter to Southhampton and a taxi to Walton-on-Thames. Dobson rushed to the house of the man who had advertised and rang his bell. He opened the door. "Listen," said the drunk, holding up the pooch, "you lost a shaggy dog, is this it?" "I should say not," snapped the man, "it wasn't that shaggy!" and slammed the door in his face.

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    • Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?

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    • One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

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    • Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."

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    • The henpecked husband finally had a breakdown and thought he was a dog. He ate dog food, slept at the foot of the bed, and barked at the mailman. His wife took him to the doctor, who sent him to the hospital. Two months later he seemed himself again. He ate regular food, watched television, talked to everyone, and seemed fine. The doctor decided to release him, and the man was ecstatic. "I know I'm better, Doctor," he said. "Just feel how cool my nose is."

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    • It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F**k him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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    • RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.

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    • What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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    • Tyfus applied for a job in a factory. The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have your eyes ever been checked?" "No," said the worker. "They've always been brown."

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    • I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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    • A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I know......but this one's eating my Popcorn

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    • What do you call kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.

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    • A young man goes to his date's house to pick her up. She is not ready yet, so he nervously sits down in the living room with the girl's father who he has met for the first time. The father settles back into a chair and reads the paper, the family dog is laying at the young man's feet. Suddenly a gas pain hits the young man. "Oh no, not in front of her father," he thinks. So he holds it in as long as possible, then finally lets it sneak out making a rather loud noise. The father peeks over the top of the paper and says, "Spot!" The young man thinks, "Great! He thinks its the dog!" Soon another pain strikes and he doesn't hesitate to let it rip. The father puts down the paper, scowls at the dog and says, "Spot!" And goes back to reading the paper. Smiling to himself the young man lets go with the biggest, noisiest one yet. Furious, the father throws down the paper and yells...... "Spot!!! For heaven sake, move before he poops on you!"

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    • Did you hear about the Finn who spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an earthquake.

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    • On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. "Whatya do that fer?" he asked." Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

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    • An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

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    • Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

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    • What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!

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    • Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella. "No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"

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    • Why is it called a "litter" of puppies? Because they mess up the whole house!

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    • A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor. "One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee." "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."

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    • Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

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    • Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.

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    • Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblerain'>brain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?

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    • A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world. Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map? Tony shows him America. Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America? Lisa: Tony did!

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    • Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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    • A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

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    • Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

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    • Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.

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    • There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

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