Jokes about Why


    • Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

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    • A deaf man visited his friend and the dog barked at him like mad. Being unable to hear anything, he said to his friend after they had exchanged greetings, "Your dog didn't sleep well last night." "Why do you say that?" "He looked at me and kept yawning."

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    • Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

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    • Why was the frog down in the mouth? He was un hoppy!

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    • Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in it!

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    • "Pinch me." "Why?" "You're so fine I must be dreaming."

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    • Why did the baby cat join the red cross? It wanted to be a first aid Kit.

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    • Q: Why do farts smell? A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

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    • Why did the dog wear white sneakers? Because his boots were at the menders!

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    • Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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    • Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

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    • Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

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    • Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.

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    • Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.

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    • Why married guys are fat: A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to the fridge.

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    • Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going ?

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    • Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex.

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    • A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

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    • A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

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    • Why do rednecks act like such morons? Who says they're acting?

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    • Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes: "Why?"

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    • Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China? A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.

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    • Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

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    • Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.

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    • Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team? A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

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    • A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"

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    • What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?"Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

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    • Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa? A: Because of all the cheetahs.

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    • Why does a dog wag it's tail? A: No one else will do it for them

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    • You see all of those dogs standing in line for the concert? Yup! Well, why are they all scratching so much? Oh, that's the line for all of the dogs who have tickets!

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    • Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap? A: It's harder to pick up.

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    • A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV" "No" "Why not?" "Because your a blonde." So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "Your a blonde." So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "You're a blonde" "How can you tell I'm a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!" "Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"

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    • Q: Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships? A:Because sheep would be too obvious.

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    • Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.

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    • The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man? "She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask me that?!"

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    • Q: Why don't Polish people kill frogs? A: Because it's their national bird.

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    • Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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    • Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.

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    • Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.

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    • When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"

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    • Two mice met in the early nineteen-sixties, when manned flights in orbit were as yet in the planning stage. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, one said, "But you look worn out, Michael. What's the matter?" Michael shrugged his little shoulders and said, "Life isn't easy for us scientists, you know. I'm in space research, and those experimental flights in rockets, with the weightlessness and the acceleration and the uncertainty of safe return -- Well, it's hard on one's nerves." "In that case," said his friend, "why don't you quit and take a job in some other line of work?" "That's easy to say," said Michael, "but stop and think - Is a job in cancer research any better?"

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    • Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

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    • Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.

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    • Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

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    • Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs!

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    • Why did the dog sleep on the chandelier? He was a light sleeper.

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    • Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

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    • A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

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    • A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...Broiled Missionary: $25.00Fried Explorer: $35.00Baked Politician: $100.00.The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?"The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

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    • Why did the Chihuahua take the bus to the TV studio to make a commercial? It was too far to walk!

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    • Why did the firefly keep stealing things? He was light fingered!

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    • Talbot took his dog to the veterinarian and asked him to cut his tail off completely. "Why in the world would you want me to do that?" asked the vet. "Well," said the dog owner, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit us, and I don't want anything in the house to suggest that she is welcome."

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    • Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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    • Why do worms taste like chewing gum? Because they're wrigleys!

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    • Q: Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats? A: So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head.

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    • Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.

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    • Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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    • A beagle was complaining to a basset that he felt poorly. "Nothing physical," he said. "Just bored, always tired, never really in top form." "Well," said the basset, "why don't you see a psychiatrist?" "How can I see a psychiatrist?" said the beagle. "You know I'm not allowed on couches."

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    • Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

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    • Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.

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    • Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred..

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    • A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts." The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

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    • If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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    • If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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    • Q: Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats? A: So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head.

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    • A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" "I'm lost," says the man, "and I need the cat to give me directions home."

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    • Why did the Chihuahua ask the bloodhound to take it to a restaurant? Because the bloodhound just found a lot of scents!

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    • Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

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    • Barrett, a New Yorker, went to the country for the first time to do some hunting. Ferris, a kennel owner, provided the dogs to accompany Barrett. The hunter left early the next morning but returned in an hour. "Why are you back so soon?" asked Ferris. "I'm after more dogs." "More dogs!" exclaimed the kennel owner. "Those were good dogs I gave you." "I know, but I've shot those dogs already."

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    • Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

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    • Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

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    • A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"

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    • Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

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    • Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter? Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month! Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event! No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...

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    • Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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    • Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six? Because deep down they really are good people.

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    • Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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    • Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex.

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    • You have reached 555-5555. Why?

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    • Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog horn!

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    • Q: Why do men always want their brides to wear white? A: Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

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    • Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.

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    • A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States. "The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

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    • Why didn't the female frog lay eggs? Because her husband spawned her affections!

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    • Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

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    • Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding? To keep the flies off the bride!

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    • Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, Lie to me!

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    • Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.

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    • A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

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    • Why shouldn't blondes be given a coffee break? It takes too long to retrain them.

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    • Why did the blonde stare at her orange juice for so long? Because it said, Concentrate.

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    • Why did Ken and Barbie never have any kids? Ken always came in a different box.

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    • Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

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    • Why did the stupid boy wear a turtle neck sweater? To hide his flea collar.

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    • Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!

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    • Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard? They're all paws.

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    • Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

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    • Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

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    • Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.

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    • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

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    • Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? A: No one else will do it for them

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    • Why is it called a "litter" of puppies? Because they mess up the whole house!

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    • Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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    • Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

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    • Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.

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    • Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.

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    • One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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    • You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

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    • Why did the guitarist go to prison? Because he fingered A Minor.

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    • Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

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    • Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.

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    • A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?" ... she says: "That was a pretty wild orgy, be glad you don't bark"

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    • Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.

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    • Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.

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    • Q: Why do men always want their brides to wear white? A: Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

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    • 1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken. 2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet? 1st Woman: We need the eggs.

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    • Selkirk offered to sell a Dalmatian to Maxwell for $10, claiming it was a talking dog. "Please buy me," said the canine. "My owner is mean to me, and he beats me with a whip. And I'm really a good dog. I was in the last war. I won the Distinguished Service Cross and the Purple Heart." "That Dalmation really does talk" gasped Maxwell, "Why do you want to sell him for only $10?" "Because," said the dog's owner, "I can't stand a liar."

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    • Why was the glow worm unhappy? Because her children weren't that bright!

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    • New Yorker Cameron was visiting friends in Georgia. One day while out walking he came upon an old cracker dog, sitting in front of a cabin howling his head off. Cameron asked the animal's owner why he was howling. "He's lazy," said the native. "But," said Cameron, "is laziness painful?" "Nope," said the Southerner. "Then why does the dog howl?" "Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is settin' on a sandburr, an' he's too tarnation lazy to git off. So he jes' sets there an' howls 'cause it hurts."

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    • Peter smuggled a puppy with him on an airliner by hiding it inside his pants. During the flight, the hostess saw him grinning broadly and asked why. He told her what he had done. "But," asked the stewardess, "is the puppy housebroken?" "Hell," said Peter, "he ain't even been weaned yet!"

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    • Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"

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    • Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

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    • Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can't drive!

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    • Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

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    • Why is everything in your home damaged? My dog is in the middle of being house-broken!

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    • Q: Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships? A:Because sheep would be too obvious.

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    • Why were the flies playing football in saucer? They where playing for the cup!

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    • Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill

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    • Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

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    • A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

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    • Why don't blondes like pickles? They keep getting their head stuck in the jar.

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    • Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle? Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!

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    • Q: Why do men like love at first site? A: It saves them a lot of time.

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    • Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.

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    • Why are Albanians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.

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    • Q: Why is a dog scared of a fire? A: It doesn't want to become a hot dog.

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    • Q: Why did the jellybean go to school? A: Because he wanted to be a smarty

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    • Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!

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    • A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? The dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!"

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    • Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? A: Because you can't bury them in the sky!

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    • Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!

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    • Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving.

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    • Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

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    • Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

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    • The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers. "I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!" After a few minutes, one of the men stopped. "Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer. "If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

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    • Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away? Because it had a hole in the middle.

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    • Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

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    • Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.

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    • Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.

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    • A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!"

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    • Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

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    • President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

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    • Why did the blonde cross the road? I dont know, and neither does she.

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    • Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.

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    • If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.

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    • Two donkeys were talking about their owners. The first one said, "My owner is so harassing, he beats me often." Second donkey: Why do not you leave your owner? First donkey: I was thinking about the same. But, he has a very good looking daughter. And, whenever she does some mischievous acts, he says that he will get her married to some donkey! And, I am just waiting for that to happen.

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    • Why don't blondes eat Jello? They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packets.

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    • A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." "Okay," says the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." "Thanks Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert." "That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom..." "Yes, son?" "Do we really need all of these in the zoo?"

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    • Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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    • Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?" "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

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    • Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

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    • Why did the zombie not eat your rain'>brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.

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    • Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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    • Morton walked into a department store and asked the floor walker to hold his dog for a minute. When he returned the floor walker was kicking the poor little pup. "Why are you kicking that defenseless dog?" Morton asked. "Why shouldn't I?" said the floor walker. "He lifted up his leg like he was going to kick me!"

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    • Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

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    • A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

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    • Why did the golfer wear two pants? He got a hole in one

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    • Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere

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    • Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains? A: So they know where to stop shaving.

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    • Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

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    • One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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    • Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because they're two-tired.

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    • Why do frogs have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!

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    • Q: Why don't polish women use vibrators? A: It chips their teeth.

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    • Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

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    • Meeting in Central Park, a huge boxer stopped and wagged his tail in friendly greeting to a Russian wolfhound. "How do you like America?" he asked. "Well, it's different from my homeland," said the wolfhound. "In Russia I eat bones dipped in vodka and caviar. In Russia I have my own doghouse made of rare Siberian wood. In Russia I sleep on a rug made of thick warm ermine." "Then why did you come to America?" "I like to bark once in a while."

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    • Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex.

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    • Sam: I wish i had enough money to buy a pedigree cat Bill: Why do you want a pedigree cat? Sam: I don't - I just wish i had that much money

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    • Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

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    • Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!

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    • Two blondes thought they would save money by re-siding their house themselves. After assembling all the necessary materials, the 1st blond put on a nail bag and started pounding in nails. As the 2nd blonde brought over another piece of siding, she watched the 1st blonde take out a nail, look at it, and then throw it over her shoulder. The next nail she pounded in, after looking at it first. The 2nd blonde watched this routine for sometime, and finally asked the 1st blonde why she was throwing some of nails over her shoulder. The 1st blonde said that when she pulled out a nail from the bag & looked at it, if the point of the nail was facing her, the nail had to be defective! The 2nd blonde said "Those nails are not defective. They're for the other side of the house!

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    • What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late? Your spinning me a yarn here!

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    • Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?A: Just in case he got a hole-in-one!

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    • Why did the dog say meow? He was learning a foreign language.

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    • Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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    • Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: He was feeling crummy!

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    • Why are mosquitos religious? They prey on you!

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    • A doctor is going about his business'>business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

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    • A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

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    • I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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    • Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance? "The lady replied, "My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

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    • Why was the cat so small? Because it only drank condensed milk!

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    • Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

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    • Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.

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    • Why can't a bike stand on its own ? Because it's two tired.

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    • One time this blonde girl was at a vending machine. She would stick a quarter in, push the button, and a soda would come out and she would put it on the top. She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this, and she said, "Because I'm winning."

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    • Why didn't the Blonde have any ice cubes for her party? She lost the recipe.

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    • Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!

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    • Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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