Jokes about Winkle

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

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Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.

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Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

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Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together." The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

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You have reached 123-4567. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

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An American business'>businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says 'I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?' Guy says 'good news first.' 'Ok, You got 24 hours to live' 'Dang, what’s the bad news!' 'I shoulda' told you yesterday!'

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Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

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A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!

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Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

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What's a cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!

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What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk? Any times he wants to!

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Why do women live longer than men? They're not married to women.

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Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit!

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What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mouse!

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(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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What happened to the glow worm who was squashed? He was de-lighted!

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One day, a dog ran out into the street and was killed by a passing car. The woman was in tears that night when her husband came home. His efforts to comfort her were to no avail. Finally, he said, "Darling, stop crying and I'll buy you a new hat." "But," she cried, "if you knew how much I miss him you'd make that a fur coat."

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What does a woman and KFC have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

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How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!

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Q: What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows? A: A milk sheik!

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There is an old story about the data center of the future. This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

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Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?" Pupil: "You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!"

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What are you drawing? "I just drew a picture of a dog eating bones." "That's interesting, but where are the bones?" "Oh, well, the dog ate all the bones." "And where's the dog?" "You don't expect the dog to stay there after he'd eaten all the bones!"

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What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

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Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!