Jokes about buy

What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!

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Sam: I wish i had enough money to buy a pedigree cat Bill: Why do you want a pedigree cat? Sam: I don't - I just wish i had that much money

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Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed? He said he wanted to grow some birds.

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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.

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A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

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One day, a dog ran out into the street and was killed by a passing car. The woman was in tears that night when her husband came home. His efforts to comfort her were to no avail. Finally, he said, "Darling, stop crying and I'll buy you a new hat." "But," she cried, "if you knew how much I miss him you'd make that a fur coat."

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Craig was a lonely bachelor and his pal Paul was trying to help. "The best way to meet girls in New York is to buy a dog," said Paul, "and walk him in the park. Available chicks always stop to pet the dog and ask his name and you can take it from there!"

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A women was considering buying an aging Thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing her deal. She asked when the vet had completed his examination - "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure" he replied, "and you'll probably win!"

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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

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When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said."We can use it for all the false alarms!"

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The kennel owner saw a chance to make a quick sale to the nouveau riche dowager. "Madam," he said, "I have a wonderful buy for you. Look at this magnificent thoroughbred bloodhound." "How do I know it's a,real bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully. "Courtney," said the kennel owner quickly, "bleed for the lady."

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A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

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Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

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This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy, and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"

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A preacher went to buy a parrot and asked - "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" The salesman said, "Oh no, it's a religious parrot," "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm." "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "What happens if you pull both strings?" "I fall, you stupid fool!" answered the parrot

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A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much? Buy a twenty-pound cat!

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Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short? Why, all four of them touch the floor.

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Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

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A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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Why did the spider buy a car? So he could take it out for a spin!

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A Hollywood theatrical agent tells about the blonde who took her dog to the vet. He advised her to buy some Nair and remove the excess hair around the Schnauzer's eyes and ears. The blonde entered a pharmacy and asked for the hair remover. "Use it full strength for leg hair," said the druggist, "but dilute it one half for underarms." "Oh," said the girl, "but I want to use it on my Schnauzer." "In that case," said the pharmacist, "you'd better use one quarter strength and I wouldn't ride a Honda for a couple of weeks."

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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I know......but this one's eating my Popcorn

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Selkirk offered to sell a Dalmatian to Maxwell for $10, claiming it was a talking dog. "Please buy me," said the canine. "My owner is mean to me, and he beats me with a whip. And I'm really a good dog. I was in the last war. I won the Distinguished Service Cross and the Purple Heart." "That Dalmation really does talk" gasped Maxwell, "Why do you want to sell him for only $10?" "Because," said the dog's owner, "I can't stand a liar."

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What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua? A short one!

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...

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Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once!

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Listen to this: my buddies over there said that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful boy/girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with some of their money?

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Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

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A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV" "No" "Why not?" "Because your a blonde." So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "Your a blonde." So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "You're a blonde" "How can you tell I'm a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!" "Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"

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Alsation: What kind of computer do you want to buy? Chihuahua: One with a small byte!

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