Jokes about hear

    • Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?

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    • Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

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    • Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

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    • Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?

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    • What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!

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    • There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

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    • Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?

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    • My dad has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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    • A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

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    • As Paula, age five, skipped by, the dog woke up, barked happily, and followed her home. Paula did not know that her newfound friend was a female. She loved the dog so much that her parents could not find it in their hearts to call the A.S.P.C.A. Some weeks later when Paula came home from school, she found that her pet was being followed by every male dog in the neighbourhood. "How do you like that, Daddy!" she exclaimed. "Our dog is a natural-born leader."

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    • You hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

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    • Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

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    • One August morning, farmer Hoskins started to town with horse and wagon. Half-way in, the horse stopped, turned his head, and said, "Sakes alive, but it's hot." The amazed farmer turned to his dog riding beside him and asked, "Did you hear what I heard?" "Yeah," said the dog, "but he's like every one else; always talking about the weather and never doing anything about it."

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    • Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

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    • Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

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    • What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

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    • How come you're only watering half your lawn? a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident. "I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."

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    • Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

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    • This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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    • What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

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    • Did you hear about the Murfreesboro muddlerain'>brain whose father told him about the birds and the bees? The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was pregnant.

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    • Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

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    • Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

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    • Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.

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    • Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? A: Straight through the rib cage.

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

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    • If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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    • A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.

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    • Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

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    • Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.

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    • In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing'>Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."

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    • Why did the blonde get on the roof? She heard that the drinks were on the house.

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    • So Craig bought a Great Dane pup, led it to Central Park, and turned it loose to ramble on the grass. Sure enough, a beautiful girl got up from a bench and made a beeline for him. "Is that your dog?" she asked. "It sure is," smiled Craig. "Then here's a summons for letting him run loose in the park without a leash," said the girl - a lady cop with a heart of stone.

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    • Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... cation'>vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

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    • Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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    • Why did the Chihuahua bark when it heard a song on the radio? It didn't know the words!

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    • During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said. "What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

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    • Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

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    • A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

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    • Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows!"

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    • Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesan...

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    • Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying "no"? No. Oh, so it's you!

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    • Do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? Me too.

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    • Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf? A: It's still your turn!

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    • What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

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    • Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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    • Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

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    • A deaf man visited his friend and the dog barked at him like mad. Being unable to hear anything, he said to his friend after they had exchanged greetings, "Your dog didn't sleep well last night." "Why do you say that?" "He looked at me and kept yawning."

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    • Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in adrive-in movie? They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!

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    • Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed? He said he wanted to grow some birds.

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    • Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf? A: It's still your turn!

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    • One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

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    • A man is driving his car along a lonely country road when suddenly grinds to a halt. The driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too". He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. "Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it". The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?" "Yes." "I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

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    • Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios'>Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.

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    • Did you hear about the stupid woodworm? He was found in a brick.

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    • A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice. "Are you hurt?" asked another. "I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"

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    • Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

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    • Odum, an elderly black called before the justice of the peace, was charged with keeping a vicious dog. "That dog bit my girl Bobbie Jo three times," complained the mother. "Did your dog bite little Bobbie Jo?" asked the judge. "No sir," said Odum. "My dog, he never bit any little girl." "Well," said the judge to the mother, "this man says the dog didn't bite your little girl." "I'll go home and bring Bobbie Jo here and show you," said the woman. "Hold on," said the black man. "In the first place the dog is so old he ain' got no teeth and he can't bite. In the second place the dog is blind and couldn't see Bobbie Jo anyhow. In the third place the dog is deaf and can't hear a thing, and in the fourth place he ain't my dog in the first place."

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    • Cieslak and Wazlicki were sitting at the corner saloon having a beer. "Hey," said Cieslak, "I bet I got riddle you can't get!" "Okay," said Wazlicki, "go 'head." "What look like dog, and bark like dog?" "A dog." "Oh," said the first Polack. "You heard that one before."

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    • Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on? He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.

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    • Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

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    • Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

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    • A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

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    • One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself. She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart! She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she ask him "How much is this car" He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to shit yourself when hear the price!"

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    • Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time." The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."

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    • Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who filled out an employment application? In the blank labeled "Church Preference" he filled in: Red brick.

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    • Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.

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    • Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

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    • Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me.

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    • Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?" "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

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    • A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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    • Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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    • Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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    • (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

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    • Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side: "Zelda, you've always been by my side" "When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side" "When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side" "When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side" "When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side" "And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"..."Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"

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    • Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? They were riverdancing.

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    • Did you hear about the Oklahoma idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.

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    • Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?

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    • My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.

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    • A brunette was jumping up and down on a set of railroad tracks saying, "21,21,21." A blonde walked by, noticed the brunette, started jumping up and down on the tracks and repeated what the brunette was saying. The brunette heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The blonde kept jumping and saying, "21,21,21." The train ran over the blonde. When the train ended, the brunette jumped back on the tracks and started saying, "22,22,22."

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    • Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot? He flew 57 missions!

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    • Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a man say? A: Her tits are just too big.

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    • Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a man say? A: Her tits are just too big.

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    • Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!

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    • Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in adrive-in movie? They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!

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    • Did you hear about the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.

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    • Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

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    • Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? A: Straight through the rib cage.

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    • Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?

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    • Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblerain'>brain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?

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    • Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

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    • Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.

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    • Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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    • There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage. So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave. So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor. See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around. They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself. He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks. Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!

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    • A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

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    • There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at a dance together. When they went into the bathroom to check their makeup, they found an old hag. "I am a witch, and if you look in the mirror and say one rumor that you hear about you, and that rumor is true, then you will get one wish. If it is not true, then you will get sucked into Mirrorland for the rest of eternity. Do you understand?" They all did, and the brunette went first. "I think I am the prettiest girl at school." "That is true. Your wish is granted." And the brunette left the dance in a red Ferrari. Then came the redhead. "I think I am the richest girl at school." "That is true. Your wish is granted." And the redhead left the dance with a hot boyfriend. Then came the blonde. "I think..." Before she had a chance to finish, the witch said: "You lie!!" And she was sucked into the mirror.

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    • Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

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    • Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.

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    • Did you hear about the stupid wizard? He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.

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    • Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!

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    • Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?

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    • Did you hear about the lawyer on cation'>vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

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    • Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.

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    • Did you hear about the stupid water-polo player? His horse drowned …

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    • Selkirk offered to sell a Dalmatian to Maxwell for $10, claiming it was a talking dog. "Please buy me," said the canine. "My owner is mean to me, and he beats me with a whip. And I'm really a good dog. I was in the last war. I won the Distinguished Service Cross and the Purple Heart." "That Dalmation really does talk" gasped Maxwell, "Why do you want to sell him for only $10?" "Because," said the dog's owner, "I can't stand a liar."

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    • I know I don’t have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.

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    • Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

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    • Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it.

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    • Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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    • The farmer's collie had just died. He was bemoaning his loss when a little cocker spaniel walked up to him and said, "I heard your collie is dead. How about giving me a job?" "You!" gasped the farmer. "How could a little fellow like you take the place of my big dog?" "I'll show you." He leaped into the driver's seat of the tractor, operated the machine perfectly, turned off the ignition, trotted over to the stable, and milked three cows. "How's that?" he asked the farmer. "Very good," the farmer said, "but let me see how you shuck corn." "Hold it!" exclaimed the cocker spaniel. "Who ever heard of a dog that could shuck corn"

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    • Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

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    • I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

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    • What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.

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    • Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic? There's a 12-month waiting list.

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    • Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

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    • A hungry dog went walking into a grocery store.The grocer tossed a frankfurter to Fido on the floor. He said, "Now doggie, eat it." Said Fido, "I decline, in that sausage is an old sweetheart of mine"

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    • As Barrett drove along a seldom-traveled backroad, a springer spaniel ran out into the path of the car and was killed instantly. Barrett went to a nearby house. A woman was hanging clothes on a line so he explained what happened. "It's my husband's dog," said the woman, "and he loved that dog a lot. Best hunting dog a man ever had, he always said." "Well," said Barrett, "where is your husband? I think I should be the one to tell him about it." "He's back of the house, chopping wood," she replied. "But I don't want you to shock him what with his bad heart and all. So don't tell him it was the dog right off. Tell him it was me."

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    • A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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    • Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?

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    • Did you hear about the missing dalmatian? It's been spotted.

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    • The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.

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    • I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

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    • A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

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    • A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

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    • Did you hear about the Finn who spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an earthquake.

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