Jokes about kid

There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit!

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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.

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A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

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A drunk was passing a bus intersection when a large St. Bernard brushed against him and knocked him down. An instant later a foreign sports car skidded around the corner and inflicted more damage. A bystander helped the poor fellow up and said, "Are you hurt?" "Well," he answered, "the dog didn't hurt so much, but that tin can tied to his tail nearly killed me."

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One woman stops a taxi. To the airport, please. After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says: You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today. Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant. Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither.

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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

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Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

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Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

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What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.

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I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

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Q: What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer? A: There's skid marks in front of the deer!

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Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?" "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

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After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel'>Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel'>Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a f**king jinx!"

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What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid!

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Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me.

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After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

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Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel... What is the oldest daughter's name? You think you know it? Aww… a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name was Dime... but if you were really smart you would know that the oldest daughters name is Anna!

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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

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Q: What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer? A: There's skid marks in front of the deer!

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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

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An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat ."My dad has built them. "Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!"

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(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paperbag.

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Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell." Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"

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A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

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A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

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Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

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The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

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Why did Ken and Barbie never have any kids? Ken always came in a different box.

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"

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A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

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An elderly German sat before the fire and in a reflective moment spoke to his dog: "You iss only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up de blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again. "Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vif e, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to work all day and haf blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

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