Jokes about legs

    • To men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice." The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"

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    • Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

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    • What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.

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    • Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter, he won't come!

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    • A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

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    • What has 6 legs, bits and talks in code? A morese-quito!

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    • One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

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    • Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter, he won't come!

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    • What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!

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    • A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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    • While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs. A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?" To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

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    • What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!

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    • What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten

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    • Yesterday I was driving around in the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down at a table, crossed its legs and orders a coffee. I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that a horse orders a coffee. "Yes", the man said, "Very strange, indeed. Normally it drinks a pint of beer."

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    • One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

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    • What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see? Three blind mice!

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    • What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

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    • Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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    • What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket!

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    • When do dogs have 16 legs? When there are four of them.

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    • Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.

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    • What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad? It became a daddy short legs!

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    • What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

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    • What do you call a grasshopper with no legs? A grasshover!

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    • Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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    • One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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    • What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.

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    • What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother!

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    • What do you call a big irish spider? Paddy long legs!

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    • This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?

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    • What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs? An octo-puss!

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    • A preacher went to buy a parrot and asked - "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" The salesman said, "Oh no, it's a religious parrot," "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm." "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "What happens if you pull both strings?" "I fall, you stupid fool!" answered the parrot

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    • What has 8 legs and likes living in trees? Four anti road protesters!

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    • How long are a puppy's legs? Long enough to reach the ground.

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    • This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

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    • I've got some good news and some bad news the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm f**king her."

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    • Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short? Why, all four of them touch the floor.

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    • What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on cation'>vacation with an elephant.

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    • Why does a Chihuahua have four legs? So it can count past three!

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    • Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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    • What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

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    • Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!

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    • A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

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    • The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers. "I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!" After a few minutes, one of the men stopped. "Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer. "If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

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    • What is green and brown, has four legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you? A pool table!

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