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    • Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.

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    • What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best? Lap-top!

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    • I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

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    • Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

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    • There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said, "Sure." So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street." So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

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    • What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster!

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    • When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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    • Q: Why do men like love at first site? A: It saves them a lot of time.

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    • There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" "I'm a cow." "Right, right. What do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken." "Oh, right. What do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer." "Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

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    • How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.

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    • Dick brought Sally to his pad. "What would you like to do?" he asked. "I'd like to see today's newspaper!" she said. "Sure," said Dick. "I'll send my dog for it. He's so smart he'll even bring back the change!" Dick gave the dog ten dollars and sent him for the paper. In an hour, when the dog didn't return, Dick and Sally went out looking for him. They found the animal making it with a French poodle. "Did he ever do this before?" asked Sally. "No," said Dick. "This is the first time he ever had any money."

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    • Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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    • Why are spiders like tops? They are always spinning!

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    • When is a car like a frog? When it's becing toad!

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    • A man walked into a pet shop and said, 'I'd like a puppy for my son.' 'Sorry sir,' said the store owner, 'we don't do part exchange.'

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    • What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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    • Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches. Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

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    • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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    • I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

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    • Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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    • What kind of doctors are like spiders? Spin doctors!

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    • A proctologist walks into a bar. Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat? Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.

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    • Arnie was describing his visit to New Orleans to his friend Jason. "Boy, did I meet a lot of southern belles! I went out with a girl named Kitty, and Fran, and Sue, and Myrtle, and Rover, and -" "Rover?" interrupted his friend. "Rover sounds like a dog." "If you think Rover was a dog, you should've seen Kitty, and Fran, and Sue, and Myrtle."

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    • One of King Arthur's lesser-known knights was a little man named Sir Punum. Sir Punum was a very poor knight and couldn't even afford a horse. He was forced to ride around on a rented Saint Bernard. One pitch-black night, Sir Punum was riding down a path through the woods when a storm started up. The knight turned his St. Bernard around and headed toward a lonely inn a little way off the road. When he got there he pounded on the door with his spear and asked for shelter. "Do you have a reservation?" asked the innkeeper. "No," replied the poor knight. "Sorry," said the innkeeper, "we're full up." Then he looked down and saw Sir Punum astride his mount. "Oh, well," he reconsidered, "come on in. We'll make room for you somehow. I wouldn't turn out a knight on a dog like this."

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    • What did the blonde think of the new computer? She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

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    • What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

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    • Q: What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? A: They both like a tight seal.

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    • When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you... Why should only I suffer!

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    • A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master, "but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off."

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    • It's OK if you don't like my personality. I've got others.

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    • What did the maggot say to another? What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this!

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    • Meeting in Central Park, a huge boxer stopped and wagged his tail in friendly greeting to a Russian wolfhound. "How do you like America?" he asked. "Well, it's different from my homeland," said the wolfhound. "In Russia I eat bones dipped in vodka and caviar. In Russia I have my own doghouse made of rare Siberian wood. In Russia I sleep on a rug made of thick warm ermine." "Then why did you come to America?" "I like to bark once in a while."

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    • I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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    • C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

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    • How is a puppy like a penny? They both have a head and a tail.

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    • Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.

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    • Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A: It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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    • Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church. They always liked to compete with their sons. First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Ohmy priest! "Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they say, "Oh my bishop!" Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

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    • Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? A: Mice cream

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    • How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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    • Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones.

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    • What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

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    • Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?

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    • What's a nice boy/girl like you doing in a place like this?

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    • A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.

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    • Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!

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    • The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

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    • Hello… Yes, I’d like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese… Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

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    • Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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    • A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

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    • There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor comes to her house they do a walk-through and he asks her what colors she would like. When they come to the living room, she tolls him that she would like a nice and warm cream color. The contractor writes something down on his pad then walks to the window and yells "Greenside up." The lady gets a little confused, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, "I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark." The contractor writes something down on his pad again , then walks to the window and again yells, "Greenside up!" The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here." The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, "Greenside up." The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, "Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?" The contractor replies, "Well, if you look across the street, I have four blondes laying sod in your neighbours yard."

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    • A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his cation'>vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

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    • The farmer's collie had just died. He was bemoaning his loss when a little cocker spaniel walked up to him and said, "I heard your collie is dead. How about giving me a job?" "You!" gasped the farmer. "How could a little fellow like you take the place of my big dog?" "I'll show you." He leaped into the driver's seat of the tractor, operated the machine perfectly, turned off the ignition, trotted over to the stable, and milked three cows. "How's that?" he asked the farmer. "Very good," the farmer said, "but let me see how you shuck corn." "Hold it!" exclaimed the cocker spaniel. "Who ever heard of a dog that could shuck corn"

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    • Delmer: How'd you like the play last night over at the high school? Parley: I only seed the first act, but not the second. Delmer: Why didn't you stay? Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years Later.'

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    • I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most. The clerk said, "It's made in Germany". I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then". The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?" I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."

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    • Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

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    • Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

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    • A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game. She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand." "What did you not understand ?" And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

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    • Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

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    • Why do rednecks act like such morons? Who says they're acting?

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    • What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

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    • Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

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    • Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making! Dad: What is it what are you making? Pupil: Mistakes!

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    • The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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    • You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.

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    • Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

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    • A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse.

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    • How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

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    • Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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    • When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"

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    • Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

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    • A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

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    • Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

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    • What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog? A pup.

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    • Reverend Johnson, an old black preacher, was warning his parishioners about sin. "Sin," he said, "is like a big dog. There's the big dog of pride, and the big dog of envy, and the big dog of gluttony and finally, brothers, there's the big dog of sex. Now, folks, you gotta kill those big dogs before you're ever gonna get to heaven. It can be done, I know, cause I've done it. I killed the big dog of envy, and the big dog of pride, and the big dog of gluttony and yes, brethren, I killed the big dog of sex!" "Brother!" came a voice from the back of the church, "are you sure that last dog didn't die a nat'chel death?"

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    • Q: What did one tornado say to the other? A: "Let's twist again, like we did last summer..."

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    • Why is a toothless dog like a tree? It has more bark than bite.

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    • Q: What did one tornado say to the other? A: "Let's twist again, like we did last summer..."

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    • Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"

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    • Levy was taking an adorable Pomeranian for its morning walk when he met his old friend Reznick. "Oh, what a cute little puppy dog," said Reznick. "I got it for my wife," said Levy. "Gee, I wish I could make a trade like that!"

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    • The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

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    • My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing'>Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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    • A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."

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    • Q: What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

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    • Morton walked into a department store and asked the floor walker to hold his dog for a minute. When he returned the floor walker was kicking the poor little pup. "Why are you kicking that defenseless dog?" Morton asked. "Why shouldn't I?" said the floor walker. "He lifted up his leg like he was going to kick me!"

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    • If it looks like a fish and smells like a fish... Shes's probably too old for you.

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    • Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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    • A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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    • Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

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    • There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! And if I could swim I would go out there to kick your butt!!!

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    • Why do worms taste like chewing gum? Because they're wrigleys!

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    • What has 8 legs and likes living in trees? Four anti road protesters!

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    • Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!

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    • My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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    • In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing'>Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."

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    • I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I can come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone now, recording this message, but I'm doing this now, while you're listening to it later, except for you I guess it's now, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

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    • How is a cat laying down like a coin? Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!

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    • A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor..."I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."

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    • Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies Nancy. "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help., "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"

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    • A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

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    • What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!

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    • A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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    • What's invisible and smells like bananas? Monkey farts

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    • This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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    • An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."

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    • Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!

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    • (Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like it any more than you do.

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    • Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic? A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.

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    • One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

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    • Q: What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

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    • Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

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    • Customer: Do you have and cockroaches? Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman. Customer: I would like 20,000 of them. Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches? Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

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    • One August morning, farmer Hoskins started to town with horse and wagon. Half-way in, the horse stopped, turned his head, and said, "Sakes alive, but it's hot." The amazed farmer turned to his dog riding beside him and asked, "Did you hear what I heard?" "Yeah," said the dog, "but he's like every one else; always talking about the weather and never doing anything about it."

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    • Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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    • A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

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    • Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message…

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    • Do you like this dog over here? No, I like the otter hound!

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    • Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? A: When the door is open.

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    • Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

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    • A deaf man visited his friend and the dog barked at him like mad. Being unable to hear anything, he said to his friend after they had exchanged greetings, "Your dog didn't sleep well last night." "Why do you say that?" "He looked at me and kept yawning."

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    • Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A: It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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    • This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

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    • How is a cowardly dog like a leaky faucet? They both run.

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    • Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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    • A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

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    • Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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    • A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States. "The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

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    • Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants? They always want to play leap frog with him!

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    • Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

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    • What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach? Sandy Claws.

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    • (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

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    • What flower did Lassie like best? A collie flower.

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    • Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic? A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.

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    • Cieslak and Wazlicki were sitting at the corner saloon having a beer. "Hey," said Cieslak, "I bet I got riddle you can't get!" "Okay," said Wazlicki, "go 'head." "What look like dog, and bark like dog?" "A dog." "Oh," said the first Polack. "You heard that one before."

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    • A man is driving his car along a lonely country road when suddenly grinds to a halt. The driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too". He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. "Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it". The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?" "Yes." "I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

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    • I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.

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    • One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to see her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it? Blonde: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letters spell? Blonde: It said "Pull"

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    • Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy-woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way, "said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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    • A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

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    • What's a man in a hurry like to drink? man-go juice!

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    • Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it.

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    • What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

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    • Why don't blondes like pickles? They keep getting their head stuck in the jar.

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    • Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this? Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!

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    • What do cats like best on a hot day? Mice cream!

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    • Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

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    • A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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    • Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you."

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    • Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"

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    • Gendel took Bessie, his conversational canine, to a nightclub for an audition. The dog sang "Moon River," "You Made Me Love You," and "Melancholy Baby," without missing a word. "Well, how do you like Bessie?" asked Gendel. "She sings great," said the nightclub owner, "but I don't think she'll look good in an evening gown!"

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    • Thank you for calling 444-4444. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

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    • What looks like half a cat? The other half!

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    • A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

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    • The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it." St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in." Next a group of mice appeared. St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted." The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?" St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish." Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?" Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

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    • A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

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    • Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

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    • Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

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    • Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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    • The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisiana is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young'>Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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    • As Paula, age five, skipped by, the dog woke up, barked happily, and followed her home. Paula did not know that her newfound friend was a female. She loved the dog so much that her parents could not find it in their hearts to call the A.S.P.C.A. Some weeks later when Paula came home from school, she found that her pet was being followed by every male dog in the neighbourhood. "How do you like that, Daddy!" she exclaimed. "Our dog is a natural-born leader."

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    • The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...

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    • I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.

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    • Middle-aged Begley was bicycling through the park one day when he decided to stop for a few minutes' rest. There were several small boys playing with a puppy nearby. Feeling friendly, Begley walked over to where the boys sat. "Hi, gang! What're you doing to the dog?" he asked. "Whoever tells the biggest lie wins the pup," answered Wally, the ringleader. "I'm surprised at you boys," he said. "When I was young like you, I never told a lie." "Give this guy the dog!" exclaimed Wally.

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    • What is life like for a wood worm? Boring!

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    • Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? A: Mice cream

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    • A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

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    • A dog walked into a restaurant and ordered a steak. "How would you like it cooked?" asked the waiter. "I like it well done, with crushed cherries on top. Then put some marinated tomatoes on it and soak it in Dr. Pepper." The waiter brought the food. "Did you enjoy your dinner?" the waiter asked when he was finished. "Very much," answered the dog. "By the way, don't you think this is all very odd?" "No," answered the waiter, "I like my steak the same way."

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    • A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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    • What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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    • I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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    • (Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you’d like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we’ll try to reach you when you’re not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

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    • Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones.

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    • An inmate was about to be discharged from an insane asylum. "Now that you've been pronounced cured," said the head psychiatrist, "what are your plans?" "Well, I used to be a lawyer," said the man, "so maybe I'll go back to that. Then again, being a certified public accountant, I might try that for a while. I might try teaching, too. And if I find I don't like any of those, I'll probably go in for architecture or maybe piloting a plane." He paused for a second and then added: "Of course, I might become a French poodle!"

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    • When is a dog most likely to enter the house? When the door is open.

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    • How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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    • Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

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    • Doctor, said the patient, "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '41."

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    • A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." The captain looked at her, "Are you sure lady? This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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    • A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor. On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words. On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said: "I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"

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    • Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? A: When the door is open.

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    • Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

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    • I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

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    • What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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    • Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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    • A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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